Friday, October 31, 2008

Boo! (Fucking Hoo)

I like to be scared. That thrilling race down a dark hallway, jumping into bed knowing, just knowing that surely something will grab at the bone of my ankle from beneath the bedsprings. And I have always loved Halloween, a holiday about candy and kids, play and pumpkins and traipsing through the streets at night. But this Halloween has proven to be the scariest of them all, and for once I don't want to be scared. For once I am just too tired to make the leap of faith into the certain safety of my bed.
Because nothing is certain.
Yesterday afternoon I got laid off. Again. The second time in 6 months. I work in product development, retail. I create cool shit for people to buy but in this economy nobody's buying shit. And so it was that yesterday afternoon the hand came out from underneath and grabbed at the bone of my ankle and I did not even flinch. It got me. They got me. I don't know who exactly but here I am, crumpled in the darkness once again.
I am scared. Way more scared than last time. I am depressed. Defeated. I am tired and sad. Angry, guilty, broken; in a way, I don't feel like I am in my body right now. I am nothing but a deep gnawing pit in my stomach, an emptiness.And so tonight, when I take Zoey in her ladybug costume to the local Halloween parade, I, too, will be wearing a mask. Oh sure, I'll be in jeans and a coat, no costume really. Just the mask of a mother who is trying to pretend that these are not the Days of the Dead.

50 comments:

Paloma said...

Oh, Susannah. I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear this. I don't really know what to say other than I wish you all the best and hope that things get better for you soon. You are so incredibly talented! I know the future holds great things for you.

"If you think you're going through hell...keep going." - Winston Chruchill

(In)Sanity Gal said...

How awful. I'm just a random regular visitor to your blog, but I want to say how sorry I am. That really, really sucks. I hope you're able to allow yourself the time to be really bummed.

Amanda said...

Here's hoping that in a mere 4.5 days life in these here United States wil be a bit better, and you'll find another job in no time.

How frustrating and disapointing. I'm thinking of you.

Carolyn said...

I'm really sorry. That's horrible. I hope things start to look up for you soon.

Aartee said...

Oh no! I am so sorry that really bites the big one....But you are super talented and I am sure things will work themselves out!

Baking With Plath said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. I don't even know what to say - just that I hope it gets better for you soon. Like paloma said, you're SO talented and surely the future holds great things.

Kelsey said...

I'm so so sorry! Hang in there! You're a talented, lovely person with a beautiful family, and things are bound to work out!

Jennifer said...

Aw man, that just sucks! Stupid frikkin economy. I hope that things turn up for you!

zakary said...

I'm so fucking sorry, that is awful. It will get better.

It has to.

Jessie said...

I can't even believe it!

And as someone who has been out of a job due to being laid off since AUGUST, I can honestly say I almost know how you feel.

Especially when your family and your household depend on your income (in my case, almost entirely)... it is definitely a scary thing to go through.

Stressful and sad and lonely and dare I say a bit shameful?

There's not much else I can say besides, "This bites," but you're not alone. And at this point - things have to get better! (They just HAVE to!)

Arlynn said...

Oh Petunia dear... I' sorry to hear about your unfortunate & untimely lay off. It bites, it really does and makes me even more nervous. Being in my very first job, right of college for just over a year, I'm afraid of what will happen if the economy gets even worse (I guess it could).

I totally feel for you & You'll be in my thoughts.

But keep up the great posts, they always make me happy. And if you ever need a pick-me-up, I usually talk about silly, random things that I thing might be funny, but maybe not to you :)

Much love ~ Arlynn

SGM said...

Oh, man--that stinks!

(But maybe someone is giving you a strong hint that you need to be a writer?)

Sarah Danielle said...

I am sorry to hear this. Unfortunately there are likely many more lay-offs to come. I hope that you get back on your feet soon. Take care, and good luck with everything.

Simply AnonyMom said...

I am so sorry to hear of your jobloss. I can only imagine what you are feeling. Please know that you are being thought of by dozens and dozens of people and we are sending you our thoughts and well wishes.

My hubby is in a crappy situation as well. They are working half weeks which means half pay. We have burned through all savings and we are terrified. Hopefully we will see some change soon.

((HUGS)) and know we are with you.

Misplaced Country Girl said...

I'm so sorry. You are in my thoughts.

Pat T. said...

I am so sorry. I've been reading you a while, you are such a fabulous writer. - maybe new opportunities will arise?

I too was laid off at the end of February - I was in Marketing and Public Affairs for a retail Grocer here in Illinois.

I have 2 little ones- and actually had called in sick the day I was laid off - my baby girl had a fever and instead of bringing her by her Nonna's house, I opted to take her in to the pediatrician, being first fever and all.

Glad I did, I got the phone call as I was walking into the house after the doctor's visit that my position had been eliminated. Boy, I would have been pissed off had I chosen work over my little one and then only to get laid off.

Perhaps it's hard to believe now but I firmly belive that things happen for a reason and we may not know why at the time (other than the damn economy of course) but that things work out in the end.

After 4 children (2 grown daughters), this is my first time staying home with them and I cherish every moment. Although it helped for me that we were paying out of the EARS for 2 children in Day Care.

I am now partnered up with a friend who has an event company and trying to make a go of working from home on a project basis. We need the second income but not as much an income as when I worked outside the home since there is no daycare to pay.

Always wanted to work for myself, maybe that is the silver lining. Sure am happy - broke (bills paid but not much extra!), but happy.

I wish you find the silver lining and that what's right for you works out and you live happily ever after. I love your blog - and realize I just wrote a ton for someone you don't even know. Sorry, I've read you for awhile and feel as if you are a friend. Here's to better times.

Maggie May said...

I hear you. I can't find a job right now and it's scary. My mom just got laid off for the 2cd time as well.

I know you feel like crud, or the crud that grows on crud, and I hope you all at least get through your physical illness and feel better that way.

Diane said...

I was part of the big RH layoff this week. After 8 1/2 years maybe you feel complacent. But i guess my time had come. There are jobs out there - we just have to find one. Hopefully that doesn't require relocating.
Thank you for your voice over the past year (since i started reading). You make me laugh and cry and i miss you when you don't post. If only as every word you wrote was read and appreciated by strangers, it put money in your bank account...
I am hoping for a renewal next week that will turn things around for us and others.

Megan said...

I'd hire you in a second. I'm so sorry this is happening. I wishing you all the luck in the world, someone out there wants you, and they're just waiting until they find you. After Tuesday things are going to be better, right?

Anonymous said...

I agree with sgm. Be a writer! The posts you write are wonderful and so entertaining! You know what they say...everything happens for a reason! :)

Janet said...

fuck product development! Write, Write, Write...!

Jules said...

I didn't see this coming. I'm so sorry.

Anonymous said...

sissy girl. everyone is all sorry. what the heck don't be sorry. don't be sad. all things happen as they should. you are free. evidently you weren't supposed to be there. if you and your fabulous husband and beautiful little petunia faced child need somewhere to go you can always come live with me - absolutley no questions asked. i have a fabulous new bathroom and creaky wooden floors in a 1915 house and lots of room and an amazing 15 year old girl who would dote on your baby 24/7. write. be happy. be fabulous. you don't need that silly job. no dwelling. all is good. soak in all that you have to be thankful for. your writing has given me great joy and i love u lots (and i'm completely serious about you coming here - you will never be alone because you have Us - the community of girls you reach and inspire and who won't let you go down because of some dumb ridiculous job hoo-ha dorky thing. :)

karey m. said...

oh, for f's sake! i JUST stopped worrying about you...and now this.

listen. this is yet another moment. you didn't think you'd get through it the last time, but you did.

crap. now i've got to go and search nonstop for jobs for you. xoxo.

JennyLo said...

I am so sorry! Hang in there...

Lara@Paper Doll said...

Hey, I haven't visited your blog in a while b/c I gave up on blogs for a while. Ya know, life. Economy. No job. That kind of thing. I've thought about you sometimes though (does that sound creepy? Sorry). No, I've wondered if you've been writing. Have you heard of National Novel Writing Month? It's the month of Nov. and starts today (as today is Nov. 1st). You should check it out (http://www.nanowrimo.org/). The point is to complete a 50,000 word novel in the month of Nov. There is all kinds of online support and regional write-ins where people in your area meet and just write. Just sayin...It might be the perfect time to lose yourself in writing...

JackeeG4glamorous said...

Susannah,
20 minutes. Give yourself 20 minutes to sit on the pitty pot each day - and then roar ferociously grabbing for the gusto in your life. Your talent, your family, your blog, and you will find a job/career/way.

I know you can. I agree with all of the above, in that it sucks that it's been twice now this year that you've been unemployed. But -There is something out there for you, it'll take some time to find it.
Had you ever thought of writing adventures for young readers? I don't mean toddlers - although there is money in that OBV, I mean, the Harry Potter set. Remember the Adventures in Babysitting or Sweet Valley High set? Whatever your favorite set of books, I think you'd be AWESOME in that endeavor, you have a flair for words and the dramatic.

Thinking of you everyday....

Rosalie said...

Ugh. Words cannot express. So I'll keep this short.
Done. Ugh.
Love,
Rosalie
ps: I am looking forward to making scones with you in my cozy home on this rainy day with the most important people in our lives.

hej said...

Before Harry Potter, J.K. Rowling was on the dole.
After Harry Potter, she has become the second richest woman in England. Somewhere between the dole and The Queen, you will shine.

Taddie Tales said...

That is a pretty crummy thing to happy - Happy F'ing Halloween.

You got through it last time and you will get through it this time - albeit with a hardend heart.

What happened to the book?

Taddie

Patois said...

I can only add to the chorus of those feeling sad for you and hoping for the best.

Robin said...

I am so sorry. I agree with other posters that you are fabulous and talented and everything will work out for you - just look at how many of us are addicted to your writing. Good luck!!!

Jennifer said...

Oh no--I'm sorry that happened! Wishing you lots of luck for a great new job to come!!

Anonymous said...

I've just wandered into this blog. I am half way around the world and thinking and worrying about the same thing. You tell yourself it will be okay. Then your partner finally says it out loud. We can only make do the best possible way. We're all in this together.

Tobi said...

Learn the lesson. Try to accept the gifts. Then move on. Fear does not deserve your time or attention Susannah. Put on your shiny and kick its ugly ass!

Heather, paperfollies.typepad.com said...

they didn't deserve you anyway!
sending good thoughts that someone much more deserving will come along, realize your talents, and snap you up!

pixie sticks said...

I'm so sorry. What a crappy-ass time we're in. Good thoughts being sent your way.

Judy said...

When I called you a few days ago and reminded you of what you already know, that you have one of the best husbands in the world-a man you loves you, has loved you a long time and will keep on loving you, ahusband who is also a fantastic Father; you have one of the sweetest, cutest, most remarkable little girls ever to be on this planet who also loves you without exception; you have a family-both your own and Bry's-now yours-who love you more than words can express; and you have YOU-the sweetest, kindest, most talented, amazing person ever-someone who makes me feel more blessed than you'll ever know because you are my daughter...and on this list of what you have that makes you one of the luckiest and richest people in the Universe, I didn't list this mother-lode of friends-some of whom you've known for years and many others who have gravitated into your life because they love the you they read about in your blog. When I read the comments here and see the outpouring of care and support-even anonymous offering you her home-I ask you, is there anyone, anywhere richer than you are? None of the above can be bought-not for any amount of money nor can there ever be a price affixed to all that you have. As we all see too well, jobs/income/financial security comes and goes without much reason and certainly without any sense of "fairness"; but what you have can never be taken from you.

I agree with so many of your friends, even though I know that most everything I/we say to you right now, sounds like platitudes and, while you value it all, it still doesn't pay the mortgage or change the fact that you're scared and feeling "discarded". This is an OPPORTUNITY for you. You could go years working for the "other" company or this last one; collecting the paychecks to allow you to continue down the path, not loving what you do but glad to have a job. In this economy especially, you'd never have quit with no safety net and you'd probably have remained comfortable. Now you're terrified because so many doors are open. There ARE jobs out there to pay the mortgage. Failing all else, you could make good money as a "temp". A recruiter could find you a ood job. The economy may suck but goods and services are still there and must be purchased and now it will take a very creative person to sell them-and what are you if not creative!
No matter what you'll have a home and transportation to get you through this-maybe not exactl what you want but it's free. I have the entire upstairs 1220sf of house and large fenced yard, with a Honda wagon sitting in the driveway despeartely needing to be driven. No matter what, you have these things to get you through.

You will be fine and this SUCKS. But the comfort and security of the status quo is diabolical. It just may take this rude, frightening turn of events to make you re-evaluate and try a path that isn't so comfortable but may be your salvation.

I DO know you'll be O.K. And I DO know I love you and you have riches beyond measure right this minute.

Love you,
Mom

coco+kelley said...

WTF! i mean, seriously!!! WTF! do these people not understand how amazing you are? how talented and beautiful and cool and creative and kick ass you are???

i mean, i know times are hard, but really... you deserve better than this. much love coming your way from me... if there's anything i can do just let me know! you will find something, or something will find you... xoxo

Sschraed said...

I'm so sorry..I am a regular reader of your blog from the babycenter 06 boards. I know that you will be fine ..you have a lot of talent and your next adventure is right around the corner!

Ana said...

S,

Listen to your mother...and your father :)

Loveya!

The Lil Bee said...

Oh, Susannah. You know, it's so weird. This morning I was thinking about you and thought it had been a while since we'd "chatted," so to speak...and then I log on and see this and I just feel so awful for you. So many of my friends lost their jobs last week. It's such a scary time. I know you'll get through this, but I am thinking of you and that little petunia, and sending you love and hugs. Hang in there, punkin. Maybe Tuesday will bring renewed hope for all of us when Obama wins.

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Thinking of you. Hang on.

Richie Designs said...

sending good thoughts.

Anonymous said...

My heart just sank...I read your blog daily and I have never commented. I will be wishing and praying that there is a reason and that the next job will be even better.

Anonymous said...

You should write for a living. Your my favorite blogger..No lie. You should have a monthly column in Cookie magazine, or Vogue. Your fun, your funny. You must!!!

Anonymous said...

Definitely WRITE!!!!!!! You should submit to magazines or just pull up old posts and make them into a collection of short stories about you and Zoey and Brian your mom your family....

Jozette said...

oh no, this is just awful. there's nothing i can say to make you feel better, but i hope things get better soon. if i could, i'd pay you to write your blog just so that i could read it every day. i bet everyone else who read this would, too.

Anonymous said...
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