Friday, October 31, 2008
I like to be scared. That thrilling race down a dark hallway, jumping into bed knowing, just knowing that surely something will grab at the bone of my ankle from beneath the bedsprings. And I have always loved Halloween, a holiday about candy and kids, play and pumpkins and traipsing through the streets at night. But this Halloween has proven to be the scariest of them all, and for once I don't want to be scared. For once I am just too tired to make the leap of faith into the certain safety of my bed. Because nothing is certain. Yesterday afternoon I got laid off. Again. The second time in 6 months. I work in product development, retail. I create cool shit for people to buy but in this economy nobody's buying shit. And so it was that yesterday afternoon the hand came out from underneath and grabbed at the bone of my ankle and I did not even flinch. It got me. They got me. I don't know who exactly but here I am, crumpled in the darkness once again. I am scared. Way more scared than last time. I am depressed. Defeated. I am tired and sad. Angry, guilty, broken; in a way, I don't feel like I am in my body right now. I am nothing but a deep gnawing pit in my stomach, an emptiness.And so tonight, when I take Zoey in her ladybug costume to the local Halloween parade, I, too, will be wearing a mask. Oh sure, I'll be in jeans and a coat, no costume really. Just the mask of a mother who is trying to pretend that these are not the Days of the Dead.
Posted by Petunia Face at 10:30 AM