Tuesday, September 16, 2008

It's a Little Gritty But Nice Nonetheless

Let’s pretend for a moment that I would ever be caught dead in a brown suit, brown socks and brown—good god—what are those? Buster Browns? Sure, yes, whatever. Buster Browns. Let’s pretend. Because the sky is falling and people are whispering here in my office, grim news, grim reaper, election, war, mortgage crisis, bubbles popping, bursting, exploding, blah blah blah, yesterday was very nearly black so here I am clad in brown, my head stuck deep in the sand, my ass slathered in Coppertone SPF 50. La la la, fingers in my ears, this is becoming my very favorite song, I caaaan’t heaaar youuuuuuu! Tonight we get to find out just who is Kelly’s Baby Daddy on 90210. Oh, I know I previously panned the show but what can I say? I’m a sucker for the time suck, the soul suck, the chupa chup chupacabra of crap tv.
Last night I went to a movie with two of my oldest friends. Vicky Christina Barcelona. That is not their names but the name of the movie. Erin Christine Tiburon. That was the name of my evening. Erin and Christine are some of my oldest friends. I have known Erin since we were 14, Christine since we were 6. Very coincidentally we were all pregnant at the same time. Zoey was born April 2006, Christine’s daughter Charley was born in May, then Erin’s son Porter was born in July. Toward the end of our pregnancies the three of us waddled into the Cheesecake Factory together one night looking very much like a line of very fat ducks wearing unfortunate jeans. Heads turned. We ordered and ate heaping platters of Thai Chicken Pasta and still had room for dessert. Now they are coincidentally both pregnant again, Christine a little over 6 months, Erin 8 weeks behind her. Last night we stood in the lobby of the movie theater talking, two full-bellied mama ducks and one relatively skinny scruffy pigeon (that would be me). One of these kids is doing her own thing, except I’m beginning to wonder. It’s like I’m starring in my very own annoying laugh-track sitcom with an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, only this time there is a fetus on one shoulder and, well, what really is on my other shoulder? More free time? More sleep? More money? More freedom? A summer in Barcelona where I can make love to both Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz? It’s hard to personify those things to sit on your shoulder but if you look hard enough you can see them, fighting with a mythical fetus for what is not even there.
No baby was always a deal-breaker. And I won’t pretend it wasn’t a bit of a struggle. There was always another surf trip, another country that Bryan wanted to travel. But we did it and Bryan loves Zoey and the countries are miraculously still there, the waves still rolling in, the moon still full, the earth still round. But Bryan thinks that one baby is enough, that with one baby we can still one day move to Costa Rica and eat arroz con pollo for breakfast, lunch and dinner. One baby travels light. But two babies? Two babies are heavy. Two babies would weigh down the edges, two babies renders the world flat. I love Zoey and cannot imagine my heart any bigger. Two babies or no is not a deal-breaker.
And yet this weekend. This weekend we were cleaning out our garage. I love to throw shit away and had created a mountain of crap to recycle and toss: plastic growers pots, moldy blankets, worn flip flops. But as much as I love to throw things away is how much Bryan loves to horde and so he combed through my pile, a vulture with a wetsuit rash. This? We can’t throw this away! He would say, holding up a rake, the metal teeth arthritic and bent. And then he came across Zoey’s baby high chair and it was as if I had thrown our own screaming child on top of the heaping pile. We can’t throw this away! What if we need it again? And my heart. It stopped, and the horizon did not look curved at all.
Erin Christine Tiburon. Like Woody Allen I am kvetching and unsure. This past weekend Zoey told me she had a baby in her tummy and I have no idea where she got that from. Mama NO! She held out the flat palm of her hand. DON’T TICKLE MY BABY!, a two year old Bristol Palin. And I sat there in my Buster Browns wondering when the world starting moving so quickly. Who is Kelly Taylor’s Baby Daddy? Tonight we will know for sure. Chupa Chup. Let's just pretend.

23 comments:

karey m. said...

you do have another wrist for another name, you know.

just one opinion. xoxo. your trashy reader who adores tattoos.

{and the reason i never comment on your political posts is bc i usually write a novel about the current political state of the world. then feel badly. so i backspace out. but i do come back and read them at least two times. xoxo.}

Jen said...

oh sister, i could have written that myself. although i KNOW i want more babies, the question is WHEN. one day its now, one day its 6 months. baby clock is ticking yet again...

Megan said...

good one.

Rosalie said...

Yikes. The collective unconscious is strong with us. I too am in the winter nesting mode and cleaning out the house. I just made my last trip downstairs with more of Sadie's too small clothes. To what? Use again? Give to my friend Mollee (who is having a girl!)? I don't know what to do. Only time will tell I suppose because right now, one is all I can handle.
Xo
Ro

zakary said...

One is nice, but two is delightful. Zoey was meant to be a big sister.

It's so much EASIER the second time.

And Brian sounds like my Mother. You should see her basement/closets/garage. I love to get rid of things so much. Every Sunday, I pile some crap on our sidewalk and list it in the Free section of Craigslist. Nothing gives me greater joy than watching our crap being hauled away.

Except my children. Which is why you should have more.

Anonymous said...

I envy you for having that desire. I wish I could summon up enough want for even one so the world would get off my back and I would not feel so broken. I think you know what you want--just do it and be happy.

Anonymous said...

You know the fact that it is in your head means it will soon be in your heart. Go for it!!

Jessie said...

Well, there ya go! Just let Zoe have hers and then your problem will be solved. A nice little compact family of four.

(Sounds like you should have had the "Mackin Ink Girlies" chat with Z-girl about six-months ago...)

thismslife said...

My dear friends just had baby no. 2 last week and we were just talking about this. Well, "they" were and I listened. They were talking about how different the second time is and how it is a huge leap to go from having no children at all to having a baby, but what a small step it is to go from one child to two. But I feel certain that you will be a great Mommy to either one or to two whichever way you decide to go.

Erin said...

Aw, heck, have another baby! :-)

A baby lover said...

You could always slip Bryan one of those specialty condoms--you know, the type that's riddled with inconspicuous holes? I believe that adorable toddler of yours so thoughtfully delivered one to her uncle on his wedding night. . . .Damn! Kids just get smarter and smarter by the generation!

Love,
A very emotionally scarred, tragically twisted "only child" who wouldn't want Zoey to end up like her (a.k.a. Marisa =)

Visual Vamp said...

Oh Susana, You did it to me again. Lifted me up when I'm dragging my ass.
xo xo xo

Claire said...

My mama always said the meanest thing a parent could do was to have only one child...

then again she was the oldest of nine. and I'm one of seven. Maybe she was just a little biased...

But really - 2 kids is WAY harder than one. But I wouldn't change it for the world!!! And we already know we want more, hopefully a boy next time around (our 2 are both girls). It's a tough decision because it affects you so incredibly much, but I know that you will make the best out of whatever you and your husband decide to do. Good luck!

hej said...

Enshalla.

Judy said...

Damn it, HEJ! You just took the Arabic right out of my mouth.

And since I only know two words/phrases in the language, I have to go with my default advice to the chilluns which is,

"Hawwamti muntilah bianqalaysun." meaning "My hovercraft is full of eels."

I find that this nugget of advice often serves to address so many different topics that I tend to over-use it.

But now that I'm thinking about it, I'm wondering if this is actually some sort of Arabic inside joke which already means, "I'm ready when you are to make us some more babies, Sweetums."

We sure did hit the jackpot with the two we made, don't you agree?

Judy/Mom/Grandma Glitter

The Lil Bee said...

One of your best posts ever, sweet Susannah! I can't wait for your #2 now cause I know the pg posts will be high-larious! Oh, and I didn't see 90210 yet so I'm going to have to watch it on DVR stat. Even though it HAS to be Dylan, no?

hej said...

Yup.

Bluestreak said...

I´m having that exact same conversation with the fetus and the whatever, but in this case it´s the decision to have the first child. Oh, damn, this just continues doesn´t it?

Richie Designs said...

awesome post

Meg said...

The more sleep or another baby question. It's hard to close the door on ever going through those baby stages again; there's alot of sweetness there. But there's less fun in remembering, say, the joys of cleaning up a baby who managed to explode a diaper. In an airplane bathroom.

I'm having the same debate about whether or not to have a 3rd. I don't think I will, but it makes me really sad to say it's a final decision.

Anonymous said...

we are so on the same page right now...i too am cleaning out the garage and wondering...what do I do with all these baby clothes. i too have all these friends pregnant again...and if we got pregnant right now then we could all have babies together..i too just saw vicky christina barcelona (my first movie in a year) and want to move to barcelona and make love to javier..(so sexy, maybe i should have his baby) i wish i could give you advice but instead i am just happy someone else is going thru exactly what i am going thru. lets talk soon!
nina

Anonymous said...

Get after it...!

courtney said...

I'm in the camp that says one is the perfect number. Esp since you have ONE that is so perfect.
I don't have children, but I babysit often & I have to say it is MUCH harder with two. I sit for 7 year old twins & they cannot stand each other ~ completely different personalities. When they are together they are a nightmare ~ one on one, they are delicious & sweet. They constantly say they wish they were only children. Although this will probably change when they get older (hope so!) I thing only children are more mature, more intellectual and better behaved.
This is just my opinion ... there are plenty of wonderful larger families out there. I just think society puts WAY too much pressure & emphasis on 'there is something wrong w/just having one'. Not true. I think it's awesome!!
Anyhoo ~ either way, you will make the right decision for you & your precious family :)