Friday, August 22, 2008

Voted Most Likely to Waste More Time

It's Friday and today I am voting myself Most Likely to Waste Time. Why, you ask? Okay, so maybe you didn't ask but here I am in Homeroom writing notes to you anyway. Doesn't Rachel look like a total skank today? Check this box for yes, this box for no. And then go check out this website to waste some time with me. Yearbook Yourself and find out what you would've looked like in high school from 1950 to 2000. It's peachy keen, groovy, bitchin.' Ah, here we go...

1964In 1964 my given name is still Susannah, of course, but people call me Dee on account of my Devilish side: you know, sometimes I say H, E, double hockey sticks and at the Homecoming Dance I let Ricky touch my boob. I think. I couldn't really feel anything what with the thick padded missile bra I wear in 1964. But he touched my boob and told his friends and then I was Dee.

1966

In 1966 I smoke Pall Malls and think I am going to meet and marry Dobie Gillis. I carry around a tattered copy of Kerouac's "On the Road" even though I have never read it. I don't know this yet but in one year I will be a freshman at the University of Kansas where I will have an affair with my married Philosophy instructor. He will open up my mind to Nietzsche and pot and leave me one rainy Saturday morning in a motel room in Wisconsin while I am still asleep.

1976 In 1976 I make people call me Stan. I dress in men's clothes and think Ziggy Stardust is God.

1982

Oh dear. In 1982 I have severe acne on my forehead but convince myself this hairstyle not only covers it up but looks rad. I dot all my i's with hearts and am constantly nursing a terrible yeast infection caused by Chemin de Fer jeans worn much too tight. They zip at the ankle.

1984
In 1984 I identify with Miss Piggy. I spend my lunch hours making school spirit signs in the hallway. Friday Pajama Day! Remember to Vote 4 Your King and Queen! When nobody is looking I huff away at the nib of all the pens and go to class lightheaded and sad, purple ink smudged at the tip of my nostrils.

1990 In 1990 I actually did graduate from high school. I looked nothing like this. However, I did wear vests with cut-off jeans and really wanted to be Emma from Kate and Allie.

Okay, that's it for now. The bells about to ring! Ta Ta For Now!
p.s. Do these bangs make my ass look fat?

14 comments:

bakingwithplath said...

This post had me cracking up at my desk. Can't...breathe...

Annie Empiric said...

holy shit. how do you come up with this stuff? I am dying!!

JackeeG4glamorous said...

Good Lord! Even I was a mere fetus when Dobie Gillis was on Susannah, how the hell do you know about Dobie Gillis?

I am fearful of the outcome of that Yearbook yourself. Can I just post a picture of how I looked in 1976? I was smokin hot.


maybe just warm.

I *Heart* You said...

what a timeless beauty you are!!! :) these are too funny. my wasted time isn't nearly as productive as yours.

Megan said...

Yo, Stan, I've had a Chemin De Fer post on the back burner for a while now, but you beat me to it. Now I am going to have to wait a while so I don't seem like I'm riding on your freakin' awesome coattails!

we_be_toys said...

What a wonderful, imaginative post! Thank you - I laughed my head off!

Diane said...

Fun fun blog to read

sherri said...

you are hilarious. will have to try this site.

Anonymous said...

What fun. In your 1990 version, you look a lot like Justine Bateman. Love your blog!

Pink Wallpaper said...

that is sooo funny...1982 might be my favorite look...you should try it out!

Misplaced Country Girl said...

Oh my God this is your best find to date. Yours are really funny and I appreciate you giving me something to waste my time so I don't have to do the dishes. Thanks!

Brie said...

in agreement with the timeless beauty comment!

That was too freakin funny

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Dying laughing. Can't wait to try this.

I am Trish Marie said...

Oh my! I can't wait to play. This might be more fun than babymamamaker.com, where you get to see what your kids will look like.