Friday, August 15, 2008

TGIF Bitches!


Have you ever been too drunk to get your Spanx back up in the bathroom stall of a public establishment? This may – or may not – have happened to me recently. Said Spanx may – or may not – have been crumpled up into my purse and they may – or may not – still be in there.

Hi everyone! I'm Paige, your Petunia Face cruise director for the day. Please allow me to introduce myself. I blog over at I *Heart* You about random ass shit like the true muse of Katie Holmes' recent hair hatchet job, Project Runway recaps and the general hideousness of one Miss Jessica Simpson.

I am not all snark. I love The Hills, braided hair on cast members of The Hills, John Krasinksi and cool stuff. I explain things with way too many metaphors and start way too many sentences with "That totally is just like that episode of Sex In The City/Friends/The Office/90210." Enough about moi, let's get on with it, The Soup style, and see what this week served up for me to blog about.


First up, how does this dude get that much action? Why are Dems so darn horny? I kind of have this mental picture of The Democratic Convention looking like the last 3 minutes of an episode of The Real World – everyone is drunk, naked in a hot tub and about to fuck one another with the subsequent follow up morning after confession of regretting the entire thing. I mean, the Dems are the donkeys so I guess it means they like 'dat ass, right?


Next, Katie Holmes is being feted for designing a not-so-flattering dress that even she can't feign excitement over. I mean, look at her. Reeeaaaallllyyyy look at her – in the eyes. She looks miserable. She needs some vitamins and a trip on the treadmill, right, Tom?


Someone photo shopped the truth into Britney's family picnic. Just like a Napa Valley Merlot compliments a nice steak, everyone knows that nothing brings out the cheesy delectibleness of a Cheeto like a can of Sunkist.


Clay Aiken became a dad and the world did not implode. So we got that going for us...which is nice.


And since I cannot leave you with that fugly image of Clay Aiken, here. Me and my two year old niece, Chloe. Susannah blogs day in and day out about the joys and hidden surprises that she has found in motherhood. I emailed her one time and told her that her stories make me want to become a mom...like yesterday. Chloe also makes me want to become a mom because I have so much fun with her. She is my little buddy. I teach her all kinds of inappropriate things like saying "Peace out, homie" when she leaves the room and how to do The Snake which she calls The Snail. She is obsessed with "cherry lippy" which is really my Dr. Pepper flavored Lip Smacker and loves to dance to our song, which just so happens to be Bad Girls by Donna Summer. And while she isn't giving political endorsements yet like the The Wonder Zo, she and Susannah and her Mini Me make me so excited for what awaits me one day when I become a mom – dirty diapers, sleepless nights, rogue Cheerios stashed all over and all.

So everyone, thanks for stopping by and Happy TGIFF (Thank God It's Fucking Friday). I hope you enjoyed yourself this week with all the fabulous guest bloggers. I have a feeling you all know who is up to bat tomorrow so come back to confirm your suspicions. Enjoy your weekend and remember, friends don't let friends drink and wear Spanx. Seriously, I think I pulled something.

34 comments:

bakingwithplath said...

Hahaha! This was such a hilarious post. Great job!

JackeeG4glamorous said...

Great job!!!
I too upon occaision have stuffed my Spanx and my panty hose into the bottom of an evening bag. I figure once everyone is too drunk to notice Moi, I can finally let it all hang out. Makes a nice touch to wedding photos I might add.

eh hum, yours are a tad smaller than mine...SHOW OFF.

Robin said...

I Heart You, I Heart You. Been reading your blog for awhile and love it...loved this post too. You have convinced me not to buy Spanx, or at least wear them with caution. Happy Friday!

v8_grrl said...

So, you wanna be a Mom? go read my last post

xo
v8

Robin said...

Oh, and the Dems? Edwards fucking kills me; did we not learn anything from Slick Willie? Good grief. The convention is here in Denver, so I will let you know if I see evidence of your predicted debauchery around town...

Jennifer said...

HA!

1. My Mini Me currently says "Holla at your boy!" Mother of the year, right here!

2. I will cut you for John Krasinski.

thismslife said...

I think that all Katie needs is just some cheetos and Sunkist, too. Maybe Britney will share.

Courtney said...

great way to end the week, Paige!!! And I particularly love that your Spanx may - or may not - be in your purse right this minute!

Brie said...

Ten thumbs up! GREAT post :D

zakary said...

What a great post.

After my son was born, I decided I would wear my Spanx to work at the bar. I almost had to cut them off of my post-pregnancy self. I was so uncomfortable I thought I would die.

Britney's children are too cute. They are gonna be whacked out, but they are cute.

tag said...

Um, are we speaking of one JM concert that we may or may not have attended on a very hot July evening, in which you locked yourself in the bathroom stall for what seemed like an eternity (now I know why, Spanx a lot) before we may or may not have purchased and downed the very classy "mile high" swirl margaritas?

Jozette said...

HAHAHAH! That was hilarious. Spanx. I love it! What I love even more is that they are still in your purse.

Great post.

Abby said...

i heart paige. and susannah!!
Hands down that post rocked it out. TGIFF to all you lovely ladies!

sherri said...

The orange-colored food groups are generally the best. If they stain your mouth you know you are getting a lot of nutrients that way.

Kara said...

Loved your post!

I can confirm,as a Dem who has attended a convention before (in LA, 2000), there is much debauchery, antics and alcohol flowing. It's the party that knows how to party - and apparently likes alot of SEX.

If you ever go... stay far away from the Young Dem caucus. They do some serious partying.

Kara said...
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Kara said...
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Kara said...
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Kara said...

Sorry about all those deletes - while I heart you, I *heart* you, I really hate blogger sometimes. It just printed my comment 4 times. URGHHH.

Mme. Fabuleux said...

This was SUCH a fun post.
I love getting my daily dish over at I Heart You.. and it was just as great here at Petunia Face also! I love love loved it!

The Lil Bee said...

Love this post, sweet cheeks! That dress Katie designed is pretty awful. Wow. And I'm so craving some cheez doodles and orange fountain soda right now. Nice way to round out the week;)

Kerry said...

Did you know they have crotchless spanks just for this reason!? My friend got them for a wedding this past weekend.

Ana said...

loved it!

my son is fortunate enough to have an Auntie like you...when he is with her he answers the phone "what up mom"

love it!

Sarah said...

Paige that photo of you and Chloe is just darling!

SGM said...

Dem convention = Real World---I hope so! I will be so down with that shit in big D. (Have you guys read that extra hookers are making their way to Denver? Par-tay time.)

Erin said...

Awesome post! I'm going to have to add your blog to my Google Reader for sure.

And, hello, the removal of the Spanx after one too many drinks? Uh, yeah, how about doing that at your own wedding? Hey, it was a hot, muggy night in Mexico, and it was just too sweaty to pull that thing back up again under a wedding dress. And since the ceremony was over and we were well into the reception, I figured nobody was still looking at the bride's butt. And to top it off -- I was the bride, so I didn't HAVE a purse -- said Spanx and all the $$ they cost? Straight into the bathroom garbage!

Sarah Danielle said...

i just have to put it out there... EXACTLY why spanx scare the ever living HELL out of me. i would need a personal assistant...

Paloma said...

Awesome job, Paige! You are too cute. :)

Jessie said...

Crotchless SPANX!? Holy peehole, it's about friggin' time.

You da bomb, Paige... thanks for starting the weekend off right.

Kathi D said...

You are aware that there will be payback on the kid thing. Your kid will be the first on the playground to use the F word or something.

I was so scared about my inappropriate Aunty-ing that I never reproduced.

andrea of ffft said...

Well it took the entire list of comments to finally finish laughing. I have to say that poor Katie is not showing her loveliest at the moment. But you know... it's not like the competition is fierce. Remember when being a movie star meant glamour and grace? LOL.. not so much.

I don't actually know who the guy who just had the kid is... I don't watch TV... and I am Canadian so I can't really comment on the Dems, although I would most likely have an opinion if I knew what the hell I was talking about. Sorry...

My kid came home from Auntie Ingy's (that was how he first said Lindsay and it stuck to this day) at two and threw out "konichiwaaa bitches!" We are going to say it was her boyfriend's fault. The daycare didn't see the humor.

Great post... will have to stop by more often!

Lu. Lu. said...

so funny. love your blog

Anonymous said...

Why don't Democrats just hold their next national convention at the Playboy Mansion? I bet Teddy Kennedy would perk right up and wheel out of his hospital bed for that one.

SMF.sportychic said...

I have definitely been too wasted to get my spanx back on, that ain't easy (to get that wasted, and to get your spanx on)!
great post!
cheers,
Sabrina