No, not THIS, God no. This isn't me. This is Dr. Laura, Mother Laura to some. A vision in lemon chiffon.
The problem lies, I think, in doing it all. Ah yes, the age-old dilemma of the modern mother, the precarious tippy-toe tightrope walk balancing family and work, self and financial worth. I haven't written in depth about this issue before because it would be like writing about the proverbial iceberg: I could wax poetic about the tip but never really be able to reveal the whole frozen mess underneath the surface. I would risk hypothermia if I tried.
And yet here I am, wearing a parka and sliding across the ice wearing flip flops. I start my new job on July 14th (Bastille Day for you francophiles, July 14th for you regular folk) and I wonder if I haven't completely fucked up yet again. Because while I am a liberal and believe in everything good and fair and happy, I admit to listening to The Dr. Laura Schlessinger Show from time to time. That ass-crack lady who abhors living in sin (oops), who disdains daycare (ahem), who tears working mothers a new one on a daily basis. I loathe her but love listening. If I were to call in? Oh but would she hate on me.
1-800-D-R-L-A-U-R-A. Of course it's nothing I haven't told myself. A two year old is better off with her mother. We could probably sell our house and move somewhere far away from our families, far from Zoey’s grandparents, somewhere more affordable so Bryan could be the sole breadwinner and I could be a Stay At Home Mom. We could sell our cars, stop shopping. We could be the family Dr. Laura wants us to be. And I struggle with this woulda coulda shoulda, it gnaws at me at night. I close my eyes and I see her:
And she wants to kick my ass.
But if I have learned one thing these past few months being unemployed (and I have learned a lot) it's that I don't have to fear spending time with my daughter. It can be boring, but you know? So is work. Zoey means more to me than life itself, than Anthropologie and reality tv, she means more to me than paychecks and pedicures and whiskers on kittens. Zoey is my breath.
What I have learned is that I get to be the one to dictate what my family will be. Well, Bryan and I. Together we determine the dynamics of our life. What I have learned is that it's never easy, tightrope walking, that sliding on ice wearing flip flops leads to frostbite and you need your big toes for balance. What I have learned is to close my eyes and see her for the answer:
Whaddya' think? Would you read it?