Friday, June 13, 2008

You Can't Buy This at Brookstone

Bryan is not one for ties. Or money clips. Chinos--never. He sucks at golf. It would seem that Father’s Day gift spreads in catalogs and magazines are geared more for celluloid dads than for real ones. Because if I had to assemble an assortment of Father’s Day ideas for my own dad it would be a page featuring one lonely succulent, some fizzy water, a bungee cord and cashews. Hardly the stuff of mark-ups and margin.
One tough aspect of motherhood, other than having to get up each morning at 5:30 to watch Yo Gabba Gabba, is that when your kid is just two years old you suddenly become responsible for buying not only your own dad a Father’s Day present but your husband, as well. Now I’ve been honoring my dad every third Sunday in June going on 35 years now. I know what works and what doesn’t. But Bryan? In his checkered Vans velcro wallet he still carries the unused gift certificate for the massage I bought him last Father’s Day. What’s a girl to do for the man who doesn’t have much and wants even less?
So this year I decided to give him something money can’t buy (back): his youth.


Once upon a time in the mid-to late-nineties Bryan looked very much like Lorenzo Lamas. With locks of chestnut tresses tangled with seawater, although to his credit Bryan never did sport a leather vest. Back then I wore dark red lipstick, ribbon chokers, leotards, palazzo pants. I might have been the one rockin' the leather vest. We all have our crosses to bear, but my cross wasn’t ceremoniously cut off by an effeminate hairdresser in the summer of 1998. I do not have a tin box housing an heirloom pair of suede clogs, a reliquary of my lost youth. Bryan, however, has this:


An eight inch ponytail.

To be fair, it's not as if Bryan has kept his shorn locks safe in the back of his underwear drawer all these years. In fact, perhaps even creepier, my mom has had his ponytail. Bryan was going to throw it away back in 1998 but my mom stopped him. She thought it would make a powerful talisman against evil spirits. Against what evil, I shudder to think.

So the other day my mom and I were at her house and came across this hairy shank of yesteryear. And I knew then what I would give Bryan this Sunday.

My husband, the father of my child--I am giving Bryan back his youth. His ponytail, and a roll of very sticky Scotch tape.

Stay tuned, for on Monday surely I will have a tale to tell of unending gratitude, of kisses sweet and nights spent watching 90210 and braiding each other's hair.

32 comments:

I *Heart* You said...

just when i think you can't get any funnier or more original - you unearth your husband's ten year old box of hair. bravo!

megan said...

He can tape it onto the butt of his jeans.

Courtney said...

Oh my gosh, I had to read this twice. Hilarious!!!

Richie Designs said...

hilarious. wonder if you could donate it to the locks of love after?

Susannah said...

I was wondering the same thing about locks of love. Is it gross to donate hair that was lopped off 10 years ago? And Bryan never was very good about getting his split ends trimmed...

Leslie (Miss Havisham) said...

wow...just wow...I don't know how I feel about this at all

Leslie (Miss Havisham) said...

wow...just wow...I don't know how I feel about this at all

v8_grrl said...

BWAHAHAHAHA
YES...we should all be so lucky.
I think you should definitely include the picture of Sir Lorenzo and a leather vest.
xo
m

Misplaced Country Girl said...

I don't even know what to say. I wish I could see his face when he opens that. I'm sure it will be priceless.

Sarah said...

What a great idea!
I too was a fan of the ribbon chokers and palazzo pants.

Rosalie said...

You're not going to SHARE a photo of Bryan with said locks of hair attached to his scalp?! You're really holding back.
xo
Ro

Brie said...

That is great! We have a lot in common - my husband never appreciates my gifts either and I also hate Yo Gabba Gabba :)

Jennifer said...

That is FUCKING FUNNY!

Judy said...

I want more credit for this Hank'O Hair!....For ten years this detached ponytail of hair has been freaking me out. Somehow, I inherited the bedside table that Sus once used or that was in the guest room-something-I am just not sure how Bry's discarded hair attached itself to me o many years ago-but it did. It seems that everywhere I'd sleep, I'd open the bedside table drawer to make it my own and there would be Bryan's hair! I have tried years past many times to return it to it's rightful owner with no luck-so some years back I put it carefully out of sight and OUT of my bedside table drawer into an old tin box which I set aside-far aside. I can't tell you how happy I am to finally return the rape of the locks! Great Father's day present. The only better idea I have is to give it to your Dad instead of Bryan. That ponytail of disembodied hair could become like the old tattered, leather money belt that your Grandma Do and Aunt Diba passed back and forth with great stealth-usually at some fancy function-for years. The point of the game being to get rid of it in a place and manner that the other person least expected and would have no choice but to gracefully accept.Plus, giving it to your Dad would solve the age-old problem of trying to buy something that he likes and doesn't have already (precious few items on that list, I know) Well, I have finally done my part and rid myself of the hair that for some reason has always sort of freaked me out-probably because it was ALWAYS nearby in a sort of intimate part of my space and no matter what, I couldn't get away from it or rid myself of it. Now it just pisses me off because even after 10 years, it's still shiney, healthy-looking and long which is more than I can say about my hair!
Happy Father's Day to Bryan-a really great Dad to Zoey and husband to my Sweet Sus. And Happy Father's Day to HEJ for being a wonderful Dad to our children-and if there's ever any doubt, just look at the two of them! We must have done something very right!
Love, Mom, Mom-In Law, and ex wife/current Best Friend

Jules said...

I admit to being skeeved out by the detached pony-tail. The idea of split ends on said pony-tail and the thought of your mom opening a drawer and just finding it there was just enough to make me throw up a little in my mouth.

hej said...

One lonely succulent? Fizzy-water-a-bungi-cord-and-cashews? .... you ungrateful child.
I shoulda put coal and chickens feet in your in your Christmas stocking.

Meril said...

that post was as funny as the one about the bathroom mirror from the bar that bryan brought home. PF is back! i hope we get to see pictures and he DOES tape it to his ass!

JackeeG4glamorous said...

I love Judy. What else is in her drawers? Now, I have to learn to "let go" of what's in mine. She just creeped me out-in a different way! The terror of what someone might find, AFTER I'm gone and can't defend myself. Kinda Bridges of Madison County-ish.
You GOTTA tell us on Monday what happens. Please don't use a pink scrunchie to tie up the end!

Tobi said...

I think this may be the cutest bit of weirdness ever.

Fifi Flowers said...

HILARIOUS posting!

Maggie, Dammit said...

oh. mah. GAH!

Jen said...

Did I read your mom's closing correctly that she is her ex-husband's best friend???

Mucho confusion...

Petunia Face said...

Yes, you did read my mom's comment correctly. Short version: my mom and dad divorced when I was 20. A few years later my mom married my dad's ex-best friend, although they didn't hook up until after the divorce. My mom and dad had a very angry divorce, restraining orders, the whole lovely deal. They didn't speak to each other for ten years. Then a few years ago my mom contacted my dad and somehow they have forged a strong friendship.
There is more, so much more to that very complicated story. But there's the short version! You think you're confused? Me too!

Jen said...

I didnt mean for you to spill such personal info on your blog comment board but thanks for the clarification!! :-)

I think your parents are cool...at least from what I read on their comments!

i suwannee said...

hey!

i don't think i have your info yet for the swap.

can you email me with it tonight so i can include you?

http://isuwannee.blogspot.com/2008/06/swap-update.html

thanks!

Pink Wallpaper said...

that is too funny and slightly scary!! i hope you do take pics!

Ingvild said...

That picture of hair actually scared me. It seems to me like two people are trying to blame each other for keeping the hair- you hear? Pun unfortunately intended (Sorry).

Regarding the Father's Day gift I think its your daughter's responsibility and she should decide when she wants to start giving him presents.. It will probably take a couple of years, and she will probably give him perfect drawings and it will mean so much more to him than a Father's Day gift from his wife (Thats just .. I cant even find the word).

Petunia Face- I just stumbled upon this blog and I adore it. Please write a book, I promise I will buy it, read it, and probably love it, too.

Ingvild said...

For what to do with his present, Im with Megan on this one

Judy said...

Didn't mean to confuse-but, Yes, it's true...Susannah and Andy's Dad and my ex-husband IS the best friens I have in the world. There were some very bad, angry, mean years after The Divorce and that was hard on everyone-maybe Susannah more than anyone. But, miraculously, I woke up one day and realized that I was homesick for Edgar (HEJ) and that he and I had spent (at that time)about 34 years loving each other, having and raising two fantastic children together-and most of all, we had been witnesses to each other's lives and knew each other better than almost anyone left alive in the world. I also realized that if I was to remain angry with him, I was going to give up a HUGE part of my history, edit him from almost every frame of my memories. Most of all those years were good, many, better than good. I knew that I missed him and that losing touch with the one person that knew me and loved me for exactly who I was was too terrible a thought to entertain. So, yes, for the last years, we have been friends and Edgar is an integral and very good part of my life-we love each other and I know that we will always "be there" for each other no matter what. For a while our road took a sharp turn and we got separated but now we walk the same direction-if not always the exact same path and I consider him, along with our children and Grandchild one of the best things in my life. I'm glad "you" asked because today, Father's Day is a perfect time to let Edgar and everyone know how wonderful a person, a Father and a friend he is. Happy Father's Day, HEJ!

karey m. said...

i love your mom's comments...there should be an option to just move them straight-away to posts. maybe you should give her posting privileges? just a thought...

and this hair thing? i've been waiting {with all the rest of 'em above me} for part two. how did it go?

and megan? tape it to the butt of his jeans?! how do you thin of these things?!?!?!

I *Heart* You said...

i'm pretty much on pins and needles until i find out how the hair gift went over.

Anonymous said...

this has me crying... thanks!