Friday, November 7, 2014

The Impending

You know the quiet rage of a gap in the line? Maybe you're at Starbucks in the morning (I'm looking at you Market at 1st), or you're waiting for the bus, and the person in front of you is looking at their phone and doesn't shuffle forward. The gap, it grows. And the widening space sits on your chest, tightens your mouth until all you want to say is fuck--go! (The worst is traffic. The car in front of you just kind of stopped as if thinking about something more important than forward momentum. Do you do it? Tap your horn? Your hand itching to spit out its own manual-version of fuck--go!)

Because this is how I feel all the time lately. All the world a gap in the line, and I want to tap it on its shoulder, excuse me? Push it, really. Go! This waiting. I have my flight reservations--January 2--my hotel, though there are still a million tiny details to get done before I leave...the waiting. It's excruciating, really. The fact that it's all sitting out there just a few spots ahead. Soon it will be my turn, but for now I make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and put away the groceries, just standing here.

Meanwhile, Ozzy has decided he hates buttons. Won't wear anything with buttons which translates to an abundance of elastic waistbands and stretch, like a track suit that never sees the track. If I'm wearing buttons he recoils, then hugs me like a very uncomfortable man hugs another man. Buttons! He says the word with such derision, such absolute moral disgust that it has become my go-to swear word. Aw, buttons! My mouth full of clattering plastic and holes meant to fasten things together.
And so we wait.


Anonymous said...

I can see that there is a huge feeling of not being in control. I would guess that this comes from either mother or father in childhood. To begin to heal, it would be good to go to that place first. Who was it, mom or dad? What was expected of you and what do you feel you have not felt that you have fulfilled? Healing is not only or as much about the procedure that you are going to go through, but what inside of you does not feel whole and complete? What did you not feel that you had control of as a child? I only ask this because my own healing had to begin with all that I am telling you right now. The only way any person that is ill is going to heal is from healing our own inner child that we abandoned in our childhood in order to please our parent or parents. It's not so much that they did something wrong, it was that they could only do for us what they had within themselves. We took on trying to make our SELF feel better by doing what THEY expected from us so that we could feel better about our self.
The button thing with your child is that he is reacting to your energy, your panicked self. If you can help yourself see that as we behave, our child takes it on in some form to relieve themselves. My children took on my energy when they were children and it affected them in their own lives. We have been working on that the past 5 years and have been able to heal almost all of it due to my own courage to face my own upbringing. I don't blame my parents but I do know that their behavior toward me and toward their own self affected my life. I focused more on pleasing them than pleasing my own self. Again, it's not blame it's just what happened. I took care to fulfill THEIR desires and needs instead of my own and I ended up hurting my SELF in the process. It became a habit to try and make them happy so that eventually I could go off an live my own life, but it didn't work.
Now, I am knowing who I am and I am accepting of myself and that I do get to be happy for ME. The way that you are going to completely heal your SELF is to begin to LOVE who you are, to accept who you are. It is a journey to your inner self that will heal your body and your life. As you love you, your children will love who they are too. Because as you do, they will do to themselves. It will take courage to face your true feelings about how YOU feel about YOU, but I can guarantee you that you will heal all of you as you begin to welcome, accept and love your SELF fully. Your body is asking this of you, it is telling you through your illness to SEE who you are and to honor the pain you have pushed down for so long. Allow yourself to FEEL your hurt so that you can free your body. This is all sent to you in love from someone who has healed her own life. Know that you are loved. I am here to tell you this so that you can begin your Peace and love to you.

Gretchen said...

I wish you and that crayon could go all Harold and you could draw yourself there, leap-frogging over the rest of November and December.

P.S. Just some wide-eyed blinking. I think your son doesn't like buttons because...he doesn't like buttons. It's nothing you did.

Buff said...

Let's be honest, really, Ozzy has a point! Buttons do kind of suck, especially when you really have to pee. Like when your in Target buying all the day to day shit, and you can't find what you're looking for and your kids are whining for you to buy this and buy that. You keep ignoring your body telling you that you have to go, so that when you finally get to the stall and you're trying to "work the button", your angry, post birthing two kids bladder says, "nope, sorry too late." I'm with Gretchen, I wish that you could draw yourself there and hop skip past all the waiting and worry. You got this! YOU GOT THIS! Also, just to make you smile check out this owl,

Mr. X said...

I gotta side with the Oz on this one, too.

When I was a younger man, I spent four years in the U.S. Navy. Despite joining at age 17, it was no trouble to get booze while in uniform.

In case any of you didn't know it, the trousers to the Navy blue jumpers had 13 buttons!

Many a fine young lad trickled down his leg, trying to unbutton them while standing at the urinal and fighting against the pressure of the 6-pack of beer in ye olde bladder.

Eventually, the older sailors taught the younger lads that you only need fasten about six (seven at the most) buttons in a strategic manner to allow for rapid evacuation.

You can find images of the trousers by checking Google Images for "U.S. Navy 13 Button Trousers." Still stylish, after all these years.


Susannah said...

Let's make Buttons happen as the new swear word, like Fetch. #MeanGirlsReference

And 13 buttons on the navy there a significance? Like the 13 colonies? Something? Otherwise, why 13? Surely this tidbit will come up at some point in my life and I want to be the one with the answer. Wait--

Late-breaking news. I am such a wanna be's what I found via good ol' Google:

xoxo to all of you!

Mr. X said...


You're so clever, you knew the answer without even looking!

We used to say "The U.S. Navy: Two hundreds of years of tradition, unhindered by progress."

Then again, I guess that could be said about any governmental institution.

Good night from the opposite coast.

Mr. X