Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Cognitive Dissonance*

(Mommy blog warning, bordering on Emo, not to be confused with Elmo...)
A week or so ago Zoey came home from school very upset, but did not want to tell me what happened. She said she had to write a book about it, so she did.
Chapter 1.
Chapter 2.
Let me translate the first grade-ese:
The worst things that ever happened to me. 
Once when I was in EDS a baby reindeer ran across me, it was scared because someone was (???) it. I felt like I was going to cry. It was a baby reindeer. Two girls were chasing it trying to touch it but if they touched it its mom would smell you on it and not take care of it.

Spoiler alert: Apparently the baby deer got into the schoolyard and was all panicked, running itself into the chain link fence over and over and you're probably wondering why you're reading this.

I don't know what to tell you.

I don't know why anything and kind of feel like Zoey in that I don't want to talk about it. Maybe I also need to write a book about it. I mean, just the image of a deer young enough to still have spots bashing itself against a chain link fence makes me feel as if I've swallowed a loaf of dry bread.

A week or so ago my mom had internal radiation which I'm pretty sure they did in medieval times seeing as how the procedure consisted of doctors driving 24 thin metal rods into her vaginal walls and filling them with radioactive beads, the whole thing nailed to a mesh contraption to "keep it in place." So yeah, I thought of that baby deer bashing itself into the fence as I held my mom's hand. Have you ever seen your mom in excruciating pain? Writhing, lips shaking, she weighs maybe 100 lbs. No matter what anyone did, no one could show the baby deer where the gate was.

This is why I haven't blogged for awhile. Because everything is so freaking beautiful and sad and I am so goddamn lucky. It's summer and I should be posting more shit like this.
Frozen Sprite Gummy Bear popsicles. I'm totally making these this weekend.

xo,
S

*The discomfort experienced when simultaneously holding two or more conflicting ideas, beliefs, values or emotional reactions. In a state of dissonance, people may sometimes feel "disequilibrium": frustration, hunger, dread, guilt, anger, embarrassment, anxiety, etc.

9 comments:

amiehrlich said...

Susannah,

This post blows me away. I have been trying to articulate the feelings I had about my dad's illness for 3 years now, and have never come close to be able to write something like this. You write with such authenticity and grace. I hope that you continue to find moments of beauty during this time. It is so difficult to see a parent in massive pain. I just wrote a post about my dad, if you want to read it: http://moonchildmaxwell.com/2013/06/06/for-a-dancer/.

All my best,
Ami

P.S. I also want to thank you for unknowingly helping me to start writing again. I have always appreciated how brave you are to share your writing publicly, which inspired me to get over my own insecurities and just write because I get pleasure from it.

Petunia Face said...

Thanks Ami. Glad you started a blog. You're a storyteller, too. :)

Anonymous said...

God, I am so sorry. Your writing is beautiful and amazing, and this piece so incredibly sad I just cried in line at the car wash. My thoughts and good wishes to you and your beautiful mom.
Old neighbor Kirsten

priscilla said...

fuck cancer

Petunia Face said...

Fuck cancer indeed.

And chain link fences...

Anonymous Kirsten--I love that you identified yourself as "old neighbor Kirsten."

:)

Michelle M in KY said...

OH SUSANNAH...
FUCK! Crying so hard that I cannot write. Yet, smiling at the popsicles that I, too am making tomorrow for the kids. FUCK Cancer and I'm praying for your Mom and your family and the damn baby deer!

Gretchen said...

God, I'm sorry.

Soupy said...

Gawd, I'm actually sitting here in tears myself, being an animal-nut and I can't imagine how those poor kids felt :( Ugg, poor Zoey.
And so sorry about your mom. Life sucks sometimes - it's really just not fair, is it?
I hope the pops help cheer you up a little bit!

Richie Designs said...

sending good thoughts to your family

xo
richie