Monday, October 15, 2012

Though Now, Of Course, I Know She Was

It is 1979 and my brother wears striped tube socks with a fat lump in the inner ankle of one of them. You know how some memories are sharp like that? I smell the warmth of plum trees and am right back on Scenic Avenue wearing corduroy culottes while my brother stuffs his inhaler down into one sock.

The first time it happened was in early September. A stupid back-to-school cold that we passed around like the time. Not a big deal until it was and Ozzy couldn't breathe. A 2am trip to the ER where they put him on a nebulizer and I made jokes with the ER nurse about Dennis Hopper's gas mask in Blue Velvet. Only I think I said National Velvet because the nurse looked confused when he laughed and it was only later that I realized he was picturing Mickey Rooney with Elizabeth Taylor and that maybe it's standard medical practice to laugh at the jokes of scared mothers in the middle of the night. If it's not it should be.
I am not going to draw this out because it doesn't really merit a drawn out story. Another ER visit and blah blah later and Ozzy has asthma. Not a big deal, I tell myself, there are much, much worse things. (Still. Try saying that when he cannot breathe, the flip side of my gratitude a dull throbbing fear of fuckfuckfuck.) Shut up, right? And so it is that twice a day I give him a nebulizer treatment of budesonide, albuterol if he's wheezing. From now until the end of cold and flu season, we sit in his rocker and watch Elmo on my phone and read books, sing, Ozzy's mouth wet with medicinal mist and so I kiss it.
I remember my brother playing right field in little league baseball. Or left field. Whichever field is least dominant; he only played as rite of passage. Standing way out there in his Lions uniform with an inhaler lump in his sock while we sat on the hot metal bleachers and watched. I remember the smell of mustard and how one summer day our dog Alice pulled all the old chewed up gum from the sidewalk and got it stuck in her muzzle. I do not ever remember seeing my mom scared.

10 comments:

krista said...

oh, woman. i was in the hospital with dash with rsv and the idea that they can't breathe? i. don't. know. and yet i have friends with asthma who are never scared. and their moms never look scared. and i think they are lions. and you. you are a lion. ess. lioness. yes.
much love to you, mama.

Jules said...

I have a boy who has cold induced asthma, as you know. Constantly sick, susceptible to everything. The first few years were rough. It gets better as he gets older. Last year he was practicing baseball and something triggered an attack. We didn't have an inhaler. It was the longest 3 minute drive of my life. He was fine.

All this to say, that boy with asthma is on a swim team now because he didn't feel like playing soccer. When swim is over, he'll play baseball, at which he kicks ass. In the summer...who knows what he'll do. Tennis, more swimming. Whatever it is, he'll do it if it's active. He loves sports. Nothing stops him, and because I know you are like me, I have a feeling Ozzy will grow up to not let anything stop him, either. xoxo

Richie Designs said...

I was one of those kids myself. Stuffed animals, carpet are big culprits. Wash the animals [or get rid of as many as you can] cover his pillows with hypo-allergenic covers. Go to hard wood floors if you can with smaller rugs.

it is scary when you get a full ER attack but it's mostly just a hassle as a kid. I did finally outgrow most of it [cats aside] so there is a bright side.

sunshine said...

I had asthma when I was a kid and although it was scary to not be able to breath well at times, I don't think my Mom was every scared but on top of each one of my attacks to make sure I overcome them... I grew out of it with age.

Hope Ozzie is better very soon!!!

Petunia Face said...

Deep breaths, I know, it's not that serious but still. Thank you guys so much for the word hugs.
xo,
S

Geli said...

There is a commercial where the baby is wheezing and struggling to breath - it gets me every time - what a horrible sound! I'd be scared too!
It's such a helpless feeling when your kid is sick, nothing worse than that. I feel for you and poor Ozzy.

kate said...

Oh what a drag. My younger son is a wheezer, he gets it from me. Still, the inhaler treatments are so good now! When I was a kid I had to take these oral drugs that took ages to work and made it hard to sleep. I was not supposed to run. To this day, I do not really think I can run (I just signed up for a 5k). My little son keeps an inhaler in his backpack, they are stashed in every car, all over the house. He runs everywhere when he is not skateboarding or snowboarding or biking. And it seems like every winter is a little better than the one before. They mostly outgrow it. It will be fine.

kate said...

I don't mean to minimize the problem or your very reasonable worry--I just want you to know that this will probably not slow ozzy down one whit! And I think that my own experience with asthma makes it easier to take desmond's in stride and to gauge when I need to seek medical attention or to just ride it out...

Bearden 365 said...

We don't want anything to be wrong with our kiddos, no matter how minor. I got all positive and cheerful when her son needed glasses, she did the same for me when I was told my son was WAY behind in his speech skills. We both knew, like you, that it wasn't THAT big of a deal in the big scheme of things--but still. STILL. I feel you.

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