Tuesday, May 8, 2012

The Queen of Magical Thinking

I can think things into happening. Or not. More often not. I do not want it to rain this weekend, so I think it will rain, I worry it will rain, I obsess over rain and it does not rain. Of course it has never been about rain but about health or luck, life--who am I kidding? Mostly it's about health. And even more a matter of course is that a + b does not, never has and never will = c, though that does not stop me from thinking about b. B. Be. You can see how I keep myself awake at night?

I am happy. There. I said it. Wrote it, looking over my shoulder for what comes next. Because everyone knows that the minute you say you are happy something comes along to snatch it away. And so I play the game, think no, things aren't that good, I mean, we owe lots of taxes, and Bryan's been working so hard lately, too hard...my fingers pulling at the strings of the fabric of a make-believe mechanism that unravels the days into happening just so. See? I'm not that happy. And then someone says something in a way that tightens my tongue and pulls me sideways so that everything is right again in that it is wrong. I am unhappy. I am safe.

What is it about happiness that embarrasses me so? The unconscious possibly-puritanical belief that it is somehow better to shun the pleasure of being at peace? When did annoyance become my go-to, fall-back state of being?

Because I am happy.

I watch my kids and feel full of time. Full of hyperbole, the palm of my hand flat across rounded bellies. Lucky, although luck, too, hints at something undeserved or limited. No, what I feel is absolute unabashed joy. Yes, silly, chicken, tickle, stupid words that make them smile and so I say them even when they don't make sense. Because I have to remind myself that being unhappy doesn't keep me safe just as living my happiness doesn't make it any more likely that this weekend it will rain.
Ozzy at the beach, heading straight for the riptide with absolute glee. This kid's going to teach me a lot, I can tell.


Anonymous said...

Wow...You're in my head. I tend to imagine the worst case scenario all the time, assuming that if I plan for it, it won't happen. Really, who am I to think I have that power? Enjoy your beautiful kids.

leigh said...

we all tend to feel uneasy about our happiness... we can spend so much time worrying about the what ifs...

we all deserve happiness - and we all could stand to learn how to embrace it more.


Cathi said...

I do that too! We all have that fear inside of us waiting for the next shoe to drop, when what we really should be doing is enjoying every single moment. Ozzy is so adorable! xxoo

Sarah said...

Wow, that post was so odd because that's exactly how I feel! I wasn't quite sure anyone else felt that way. It's as if the minute you say it aloud, it will be taken away, and that terrifies me. But then so much time goes by that I find myself not accepting the joy and happiness of my life! We need to force ourselves to relax and embrace our happiness!!!

xoxo, Sarah


Amy said...

Ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto!

Love your blog.