Dear Old Navy, Target and Forever 21,
No doubt you will say it is my fault. The Endless Summer t-shirt I thought was cute but didn't try on because Ozzy was crumbling, the striped sweater cropped beyond what was acceptable even back when my stomach was flat, the pink and orange color block dress that has never been worn, the fabric so thin you can make out the curve of my belly button. But you seduce me here from the glow of my laptop late at night, and I drop things into my cart because you have my credit card stored from last time anyway. Plink! I'm easy like that. So yes, maybe it is my fault, but the other day I looked in my closet at what I have bought from you simply because it was only $12 and realized that $12 x often = too much. Too much money spent on too much crap that I will never wear because it is poorly made or the fabric is cheap, or both. I mean, did we not learn from The Fable of Gordon Gartrelle? Oh, sweet Old Navy, Target and Forever 21, you are too young to remember, but back in the day when 8:00 o'clock on a Thursday night meant everything good and right and prime time, Gordon Gartrelle was an expensive designer shirt that Theo wanted to wear to impress a girl but his parents wouldn't pay for it so Denise made a copy for him and blah blah blah, don't you get it? You are not a Gordon Gartrelle.
Which is why I am breaking up with you. Sure, we can still be friends. You can borrow a few bucks from me here or there in exchange for a pair of chenille sleep socks, but let's not make it a habit. Because I want to see other people, people who don't make themselves so readily available, maybe, but then again their medium probably won't range from XS to XL and if I order online and don't like it I won't be so lazy to return if the cost is higher. That's all I'm saying. I deserve more, I guess. So while I can't afford a real Gordon Gartrelle as often as I've been hanging out with you, maybe that's ok. Better even. Maybe that's right. To have less of what I really wanted in the first place.
Don't bother calling. I've already changed my (credit card) number.