Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Duck Dive

It's official: I am in a funk.
The kind of funk that catches you by the toe and sucks you up over the falls, inhaling salt water and sand. The kind of funk that has you suddenly realizing that you are touching the bottom, and yet when you finally do stand you find that your bathing suit has been wrenched to the side, exposing one chicken-skinned boob in a very unflattering squashy sort of way. That kind.

For the past few weeks I've been doing acupuncture. Did I tell you? Because it turns out I have a sluggish liver. Along with various cowlicks, although that is neither here nor there. Each week I lie down in a very warm room while a woman sticks needles in the webbing of my fingers, along my calf, inside my ears. She also has me taking some herbs but of course I only just now read the fine print and saw that one of the ingredients is something called "Semen Citri Rubrum/Ju He." Screw the Ju He, I want to know if this is semen semen, and why must I take 6 capsules in the morning and 6 at night. Anyone? Anyone?

Years ago I tried to surf. Bryan bought me the prettiest turquoise longboard and I did my best to look nonchalant while changing into my wetsuit in the parking lot. The thing is I not only have a sluggish liver but also noodle arms and a freakishly large amygdala, seeing as how that's where fear is located in the brain. Look at the dolphins! Bryan said, and then he took a wave and left me bobbing there wondering how he was so sure those were dolphins and not sharks.

Now I know: a dolphin's dorsal fin moves up and down while a shark's snakes side to side. Of course when you're afraid it's hard to pay attention to things like direction of movement. Or breathing. And so I also learned the fine art of the duck dive, the act of pushing downward into the depths when you cannot handle the wave coming straight at you.

Anyway, that's where I am now, taking semen pills and wondering where I stand on the age old question of cowlick versus callick.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Funks are no fun at all. The bright side: You're so appealingly funny, even when in a funk. :)

mosey said...

Acupuncture is the only thing that has ever succeeded in pulling me out of "funks". Hope it works for you too.

When I first moved to Northern CA I went swimming in the ocean all the time and wanted to learn to surf. But sharks... I don't even go in the water anymore...

beachbungalow8 said...

my acc. gave me the same stuff for fertility treatment.....and it worked.

Mrs. Blandings said...

I'm right there with you. Are funks contagious? Can you get them via the internet?

Richie Designs said...

sorry for your funk. I think I might be in one as well. Maybe they are catching just like Mrs. Blandings says

and I'm with you on the fins/water. I just can't breathe out there which proves to be quite difficult when also trying to stay alive.

Michelle M in KY said...

OH SUSANNAH...
You're so funny. I can't stop laughing right now. I am certain that it's semen, semen...I mean don't all men think that's the cure for everything anyway??? If your accupuncturist isn't a man, I am sure the formula was developed by one...LOL

Erin said...

I was very curious about the sluggish liver and after googling it:
1) I am convinced I also have a sluggish liver.
2) One website says that metaphysically, the liver is the "seat of anger" and a sluggish one can cause poor concentration and a foggy brain.
Funk explained! I hope you feel better soon.

Up Mama's Wall said...

I was taking handfuls of Chinese herbs for a while until my doc said, "do the acupuncture but please, please, please don't take handfuls of unmarked and unregulated pills made in China." It made sense and I stopped. It is possible that my liver suffered as a result. Certainly my surfing skills, which are non-existent, were untouched either way.
So sorry about the funk. Boy do I know the feeling. Sleep and exercise seem to help.

sherri said...

dude. make your funk the p funk. never tried acupuncture. but prozac works for me when I have persistent funk. maybe that is what parliament meant by "p funk" -probably not.

The Lil Bee said...

Yeah. Say no more. To be honest, I've been in and out of one myself lately, too. Not that I'm here to join in on YOUR pity party, cause nothing's worse than a Me Too-er when you just want to sulk in solitude. But, bottom line, sometimes being a mom and working is hard. Sometimes everything is hard. But those two things, I know, are really, really hard when done simultaneously. I hope you can take a few days this weekend to just veg and do NOTHING. Other than play with that munchkinface baby girl. XOXO Love, me

Anonymous said...

Okay, is this a world-wide funkepidemic? Or is it because I have given up wine for a month (need to lose weight, and prove I'm not an alcoholic-(to myself)...Given up cigarettes, pot, gluten, gambling, and now, wine..sheesh...not much to look forward to except maybe being healthy...