Friday, March 5, 2010

This Post Is TOTALLY About Me. (Currently Working on a Song to Go With It, Though Apparently It Will Have Nothing To Do With David Geffen.)

You know what makes you feel like a total asshole? Taking close up pictures of your own eyes. It also helps to push a 3 year old off the bathroom stool because she is in your light. But wait! Here is my eye! MOVE!
I call this one "January 5th, 2010, with mascara." And below, "2 Minutes Later, Without." Riveting stuff, n'est ce pas? (Coming soon: I attempt to fashion farm animals from my belly button lint. Do stay tuned!)
So here's the thing: eyelashes are the new teeth. Because way back when in 1994 our teeth were ecru, ivory, corn silk stained with tea, our shirts sized too small for 6 year olds. Oh, it was a time. And then one day someone decided to get her teeth whitened and then laughed at a joke, making a woman passing by in the hallway feel as if her own teeth wore sweaters sold as "oleo" in the latest Tweeds catalog. So that girl then whitened her teeth, and so on and so forth until sometime in 2000 the 100th monkey used Crest Whitestrips and now we all smile like newscasters and drink our soda through straws.

My eyelashes were stubby. I mean, not really. No, they were fine... for 2008. But dude, this is 2010; nowadays people get eyelash extensions and mascara is made with boosters, packaged with primers, collagen fibers, stimulators, eye 'roids, wigs & merkins for mascara. If you don't have to comb your eyelashes you might as well not have eyes at all. Which is not true, but I caved nonetheless after a girl at work told me she knew a girl who had a friend who actually had to cut her lashes with kitchen scissors, and so I thought to myself: I want to cut my lashes with scissors! Wax my pubic hair and pluck my brows! Dye my hair, straighten it each morning, rub some $40 Moroccan hair oil through the ends and pull it back with a $28 chiffon flower headband from Anthropologie! I want looong motherfuckin' eyelashes, I do!
I call this one "March 4th, 2010 with mascara."

I opted to go with Lilash because it is cheaper than the others and I am too lazy slash scared of legal medical disclaimers to get a prescription, plus I have just never warmed up to a post-pubescent Brooke Shields, feeling, as I do, that her face is too square.

You tell me (if you can get past the 5 o'clock shadow of my Berts groomed Ernie), am I a natural beauty now without makeup, my eyes fringed as they are with parabens, colloidal silver and 15S-trihydroxy-17-Phenyl 18?
Although it would have been downright rad and somewhat scientific to apply the Lilash to only one eye for 8 weeks, I firmly believe that lab coats don't do a thing for my waist. Above is a pic of my other eye without any makeup.

Not yet convinced that I am a total asshole? Here's the clincher: self-portrait snapped in the reflection of the mirror of my lash growth stimulated eyes taken with iphone, and my fingers are positively twitching to make some sort of pun on the I-ness of it all.
*Side effects may include slight discoloration of the lid, possible patches of hair growth under the eyes, and the inability to walk past reflective surfaces without checking to see if your lashes cast shadows of Snuffleupagusian proportions. Not surprisingly, I have always been partial to Snuffleupagus and adore the little-known fact that his first name is Aloysius. If you have learned nothing else here, today, and you probably haven't, now you know Snuffy's first name and that his favorite food is cabbage. Which is probably why he lives in a cave far away from the more densely populated Street.

Here's lookin' at you,
S

23 comments:

jennifer said...

oh,ho,ho . . . it's magic! you know! Never believe it's not so . . .

A Perfect Gray said...

eye loved it.

Cindy said...

You're so vain. (tee hee)

Actually, your lashes look GREAT! I might need this stuff. And whiter teeth. And smaller thighs. And...

TGIF.
xo

Kwana said...

The things we do. Yeah, I have my moments too.

krista said...

i have no eyelashes. seriously, when i'm not wearing mascara, it's like they're translucent. years of pulling my maybelline off in clumps between my fingers.
you're sort of making me think about this. because before, it scared the bejeezus out of me. hair growth on my eyeballs and blindness seeming imminent.
but, dammit, your lashes are luscious.

Duel Living said...

Maybe you were born with it...maybe it Lilash??? Does this stuff have to be applied forever like the one Brooke Shields is peddling?

*~(boom)~* said...

Patches of hair growth UNDER the eyes???

I wouldn't risk it. I already have eyelashes so long I could probably fan you with them from here. And I don't need any more patches of hair, thank you very much. ;)

However, your lashes look scrumptious.

amber {daisy chain} said...

so should I get it?? I've been waiting to hear the results, and lord knows I need me some lash extensions.

Petunia Face said...

Amber & everyone else--I actually do recommend Lilash, if you're on a quest for fluttery buttery lashes. But Amber--check to make sure you can breastfeed while on Lilash? It has some unpronouncable chemicals that make me pause...

xo,
S

Anonymous said...

Haven't tried Lilash, but am on week 4 of Revitalash (which, btw, is much cheaper if you buy it via amazon.com). And, here's what else I do. I have eyelash extensions - individual, long-ass, thick, black eyelashes glued on top of my thin, blonde, short, middle-aged lashes. I don't wear make-up and don't want to, but as I've gotten older, my eyelashes have gotten wimpier. But, now, I have fabulous eyelashes. I use the Revitalash to increase growth so that there are even more lashes to put the fake ones on. (Obviously I am not a writer; I just write what comes out of my head, so sorry for the jumble). I LOVE MY FAKE EYELASHES. And, you know what, you absolutely cannot tell they're fake.

my favorite and my best said...

i don't know...my mom used that lilash stuff and her eyelashes fell out.
not really. to me your eyelashes look thickfreakness. that is good.
they don't really look longer, are they sposed to?

Weitzell4 said...

I'm blond with short blond lashes. Would LOVE to try that, but my husband would die if I spent that kind of money on my eyelashes, and considering that he is a phd grad student,and I am a stay at home mom it's just not in the budget. But I'm putting it on my wish list and as soon as he's done with school or I go back to work it's the first thing I am buying.

AppleTree said...

Why are all the good eye lashes wasted on 4 year old boys with snotty noses? Why why why?

And I feel ya on Brooke Shields, something just aint right, more right than Tom Cruise, but still, not right...

Erin said...

Does this mean you're not going to dye your lashes with me next week?

JackeeG4glamorous said...

So is it a prescription I-lash gunk?
How much does it cost? Will it permanently discolor your iris like the Brooke sanctioned gunk?

My own eyelashes are getting thin and weak with age. Currently I use about three brands of mascara each morning applied to my stubs.

P.S. You are so very brave, a virtual Joan Of Arc, to constantly show us your bad self without make up....close up, with pores exposed. My hero.

Anonymous said...

From jackie Chan Look-Alike:
Love the eyelashes. Revitalash worked fabulously for me as well. But, come on, how about those perfect eyebrows?!!

Angie Muresan said...

This comment is totally about me. I have naturally long and thick eyelashes. So HA! Just kidding. I'm heading out now to buy some of that Lilash stuff.

Petunia Face said...

More info...
Apparently the Lilash tube lasts about 6 months, so at $140, it's not *that* bad.
And I don't think there have been any reports of Lilash changing eye color. Even with Revitalash--I heard it was developed for glaucoma patients or chemo/cancer patients or something and it was directed as eye drops. But as a lash growth stimulant, you simply paint it on your lash line like eyeliner so it doesn't get in your eye. The drug company had sto post that warning, though.
And Erin--I will still get my lashes tinted with you. Next weekend?

Erin said...

Yes, let's go next weekend. I want LiLash next, though my dream is eyelash extensions -- your lashes look sooo good!

Richie Designs said...

yes lashes are the new white teeth!!

I have pretty good lashes but of course they could always be better...interesting. Wonder if this stuff could be used to bring back a couple of eyebrow hairs that I tweezed that will not return.

maybe rogain for my brows. although that might be scary considering my potential for unibrow-ness

ZDub said...

I love this, you look fabulous.

But I'm way too scared to try. All those chemicals next to my eyeballs? I would be the one to get eye cancer for sure.

Rolerkite said...

I just ordered some, I'll let you know if I grow a third eye or something

Maggie May said...

your eyes are beauuuutiful