Monday, December 28, 2009

Post-Xmas Oh's

I fucked up. Please to let me count the ways.

1. Santa brought Zoey exactly what she wanted. Which is not of the joystick variety per se, but just as creepy in a purple plastic flying pony that is not very pretty way, plus it talks. A lot. When you touch its foot, its belly, its mouth, its ear, seemingly when you think about taking out its batteries and maybe submerging it in cold bathwater while the children are asleep. Apparently its name is Starsong and she has a short curly 'do where her mane should be; in fact, she bears a striking resemblance to El Debarge, just as falsetto bad, and if I close my eyes I can almost smell Drakkar Noir mixed with Oxy 10 and the Drake High Gym. (Goddamn ponies and that fat fuck Santa.)

2. My apologies for the above--it's just that the pony now sleeps with Zoey and Zoey still sleeps with us and my god, if I roll over one more time at 3am only to set off a high-pitched plush la la la la la! I'm sleepy! I swear to god--I don't know. That's how tired I am. Anyone ever seen the flick They Shoot Horses, Don't They?

3. Next Monday I leave for Mexico which is reason enough to roll your eyes and stop reading, but wait--it gets worse. My in-laws are taking us, paying for us--my in-laws who I love and really like. Built in babysitters at a resort and the promise of a slack-jawed nap in the sun. In anticipation I tried on my bathing suit a few weeks ago, which is a big ol' Glamour magazine Don't during the month of December, but there I was nonetheless: white and puffy, veiny, hair where there is no hair on women in porn. Or men, for that matter. But I told myself no problem! With all the optimism of time. Why, I'd just cut out bread! Drink water! Forgetting, of course, about the boulange near work with the warm hazelnut croissants, seasonal eggnog chai, sugar cookies shaped like trees, See's candies (but it's not a bread product!) and panettone, a loaf of which I ate to see if I even like panettone which it turns out I don't. And then last night I racked my knee on the exposed corner of my bed, slicing it just a little but bruising it a lot. By the time I get to Mexico my leg should be the sick yellow color of a turned banana; I will look like a sloppy stripper in my bikini, over-the-hill and just waiting for the DJ down at the pool to play me some Bon Jovi. Livin' on a Prayer, man! Fuck Yeah!

4. I hate women who talk about how they look in a bikini, jeans, naked, diets, ohmygodamifat?, i.e. I suck.

5. And lastly, I just realized Christmas is over and I did not hear my favorite song, not even once. Do They Know It's Christmas? Which kinda' begs the question: Do starving Africans even care if it's Christmas or not? And what kind of sentiment is well tonight thank god it's them, instead of you???

Oh well. It's a great diddy nonetheless. (Band-Aid brings me back to that one Christmas I got a yellow walkman and zebra-striped Guess jeans that zippered down each ankle and I sat in the rocking chair for days afterward listening to this song and feeling lucky because I was. Am.)

Just a little post-Christmas coital, that is all.
Happy Monday.


court. said...

hahahhahahah! I really don't think starving Africans care....great post!

my favorite and my best said...

funny, i heard this song (my fave too) only once this season and i considered it to be a very lucky day. also young george michael= keira knightly
they should have called themselves mullet-aid.

krista said...

that lyric just proves to everyone else what self-righteous assholes we are.
full of backhanded compliments and zippered jeans. ah, guess jeans. i swear i was convinced all would be right with the world if i owned the right guess jeans.
guess what? it's not true.
well played, double entendre, well played.

Jules said...

You know, you're right. That's a pretty lousy sentiment. What's more pathetic is that it has taken me twenty years and a blogger to notice.

I actually heard that song quite a bit after Thanksgiving, but not so much as we got closer to Christmas.

Petunia Face said...

Oh! And I forgot to mention that my in-laws got Wii Fit, so I stupidly tested my fitness level and it told me that while my BMI and weight are fine, I tested at a 55 year old age because of my balance. And this was before the big bruise on my leg.

I think you should all be thinking to yourselves, "well, tonight thank god it's her, instead of me."

Michelle M in KY said...

I literally think I may have peed down my leg when I read "that fat fuck Santa". That's not even right, or funny...but nonetheless I laughed so hard.
Christmas came and went...not so much feeling this year. For some reason it kinda snuck up on methe Christmas feeling that is. By the time I realized it, I was sitting in Christmas Eve Mass looking at the girls knit mini dress in front of me, thinking how inappropriate it was for Mass, let alone Christmas Eve mass, barely covering her ass. I mean if she would have bent over, she would have mooned the whole congregation and perhaps even exposed her hoo-haa too. Did I just say hoo-haa? I assume that's better than saying...well, I just won't. Anyways...damn the bad luck with the's hoping it heals quickly and if not, perhaps you can get one of those cool, henna tattoos and make it look like you planned to get tatted up on your kneecap. As for the bikini...I think I posted this once before...I have absolutely NO sympathy for you and bikini woes. I have never been in a bikini...I mean maybe at birth it would have been appropriate but has never been since. It makes me kinda sad. So, all I can say 'bout that is I hope you look rockin' in yours. As for the pony that caused all this in the first place...well, my almost 3 yr. old twins received my little ponies that talk and one annoying wand that lights up and makes noise. Let me tell you that I have NO idea how that pink pony got under the couch and that wand that I heard about 63 times thru the monitor last night...well, it may just join that pony under there and I will still claim that I do not know where it went to. A Mama's gotta do what a Mama's gotta do. I hope you have sweet dreams tonight sista'!

Simply Mel said...

So glad Christmas is over because you are back! I've missed you and your rants....

girl world decor said...

take out the batteries when zoe is asleep. she'll still love her pony.
& what's wrong with a sloppy stripper with a yellow knee?

Sharon said...

I ate a lot of Nutella this Christmas (Santa even put a jar in my 3 1/2 yr old's stocking) and I love the movie "They Shoot Horses, Don't They?" Thought you'd want to know.

mosey along said...

Jesus Murphy that pony IS creepy.

And my Christmas song that I just realized I missed this year is "2000 Miles" by the Pretenders. It makes my heart ache so good.

Maggie May said...

um yeah, you are going to MEXICO!!

Rachel & Rebecca said...

dang those wii fits. i fell off the blasted tightrope like 6 times. mexico will be fabulous. sloppy, bruised, yellow etc. one of the nice things about vacay. everyone (outside of family...who have to love you all the time) is a stranger and you'll probably never see them again! woooo! have fun!!!

Annie Empiric said...

I am reading this from a resort in Mexico, covered in bruises and veins, and wearing my Christmas weight. The thing we all forget is that we are not alone. Like when you get a little tipsy at a party and feel embarrassed the next day only to find out that everyone was tipsy at the party and no one even remembers the things you said.

Zoe just gets more beautiful.

I wish you and your family a happy New Year!!!

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