Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Because Inside of Me Lives a 12 Yr. Old Boy, His Ambition to Become Dungeon Master Vying with His Desire to Spend More Alone Time in the Bathroom.

If you had to (the best sentences start with if, n'est ce pas?), would you make out with this guy...
(I mean, this is verging on racist black face here, right?) The make up/make out must be full-on grinding, or as the kids say, macking. Or maybe the kids only said that ten years ago like on Degrassi High, or something. I don't know. The point is your faces are mashed together, tongues down each other's throat, humdidah humdidah for the 81 minutes it takes you to watch From Justin to Kelly out of the corner of your eye. And the whole time the guy is sporting this jacket:
Or would you rather work as a professional animal masturbator for one year.
Hmm, i.e. things that make you go: Smells, bulls, the relative importance of the prostate.

It's important to know where you stand on such issues as you never know when someone might present you with option 1 or b.) forcing you to choose AND YOU HAVE TO DO IT JUST BECAUSE, OKAY?

Just because it's Wednesday. Happy Hump Day. (I'm going with 365 hand jobs because one time at the DMV after I failed the eye exam I was given this plastic view-master thing that was smeared thick with stranger sebum and before I had a chance to object the DMV lady pushed it to my face and asked me what I saw but I only heard and it was a noise like ssck and to this day my license reads "Restricted: Corrective Lenses.") You?
xo,
S

17 comments:

goodniteirene said...

are you kidding? it's me and the sheep (?) all day long. i'll even bring it flowers, and buy it a chardonnay.

Cindy said...

81 minutes of that nasty guy vs. 365 days of animal lovin'? I choose the freak. But I must have lights off and maybe a tummy full of Valium. I simply could not deal with animal hoo-hahs for a year.

xo

amber {daisy chain} said...

ewwww. I have to go to the doctors now and all I can think about is that third pic...happy hump day, xo

hej said...

I do not want to know about this or yesterdays blog.

miss. chief said...

animals. I bet the pay is good.

Misplaced Country Girl said...

I'm having a rather blue day and this made me laugh. My first thought would be to make out with the guy. But, what if he got that make up all over you? Does it come off your clothes with a Tide stick? I'm going with the sheep. At least anything you get on you is 100% all natural.

my favorite and my best said...

hmmm....well, at least with the sheep you might get used to it. plus you'd be making it very happy. that guy and his fucking face...i think i would punch him in his adams apple for looking like that.

Meg said...

full on make-out sesh. all 81 minutes, under a ratty afghan my grandma knitted for me when i was 3with another couple on the adjacent couch.....what can i say, sheep bums creep me out.

court. said...

I just found your blog and you had me at hello.

Next time you're at the DMV-lysol and anti bac wipes.

Simply Mel said...

I'm just glad there are choices in life....even if they leave your hands dirty!

Duel Living said...

Oh, I'd choose feelin' up the animals. At least they are furry in a good way. Remember practice "making out" with your stuffed animals as a child...it could be just like that...and fuck it...they might enjoy moi a little too.

R said...

I can't decide!

krista said...

my friends and i used to play this game called 'who would you rather' and it's pretty much the same idea. but you have to choose between two unsavory characters. it's quite funny, really, unless you're playing with someone who has no sense of humor and refuses to understand that you HAVE to pick one.
and i'm so sad for that sheep.

Rebecca said...

I just went in for my very first eye exam ever...I'm 34. I have perfect vision.....well, I'm a tiny bit nearsighted,...or was it farsighted..?? Anywho, I don't need correction...I was amazed and happy that I passed the test.

Richie Designs said...

you manage to make me barf a little every wed. how to you do it?

Vanessa said...

I would rather inseminate animals than come anywhere near the risk of being inseminated by that guy.

California (state) health insurance said...

Is that guy really trying to be a "colored" person? Or is that just a tan gone bad?

Looks like he belongs on the Jersey Shores.