Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Scenes From a Kitchen Table

INT. KITCHEN DINNER TABLE - NIGHT

A family sits at the dinner table eating tomato soup, biscuits and artichokes. ZOEY, a three year old girl opts out of tomato soup and artichokes, choosing instead to eat a biscuit and one tiny tip-of-her-front-teeth-only bite of a chicken nugget in a bid for an apr├Ęs dinner course of candy corn. ME, a 37 year old mother, does not think so young lady.

ME
(because this is my idea of small talk)
Hey Zoey, would you rather be pretty or smart?

ZOEY
(pretending to use half-eaten biscuit as a sword)
Pretty!

ME
Hm. Okay, what about pretty or funny?

ZOEY
Pretty!

ME
(thinking: fuck)
Pretty or nice?

ZOEY
(laughing now)
Pretty!

BRYAN
Which one is mommy?

ZOEY
...
(All eyes are now on ZOEY; she realizes that the fate of candy corn everywhere depends on her answering this question correctly)
Nice? Nonono, I know! Smart? No! Funny? NO! NOT PRETTY!

And, SCENE.

Image from here.

18 comments:

Cindy said...

Sometimes children warm our hearts, bring tears of joy and pride to our eyes, and give us renewed hope in the goodness of mankind.

Sometimes kids are fuckers.

xo

Chree said...

But you are pretty.

Vanessa said...

Your daughter is RUDE.

Petunia Face said...

I assure you all it was funny. Not mean or rude at all. I suppose this is why I'm not a screenwriter because clearly I didn't convey the comic timing of it. :)

Cathi said...

I thought it was funny....:) As Art Linkletter used to say - Kids say the darndest things...:)

Scribe said...

All of the above, Susannah. All of the above. And Zoey takes after you!

Simply Mel said...

I was laughing, so obviously, it was funny!

Did she get the candy corn?

Petunia Face said...

She got ONE piece of candy corn. And then after she went to bed I ate the rest in handfuls.

And to anyone who is interested--Zoey's ultimate list of what she'd rather be in order of importance:
pretty
funny
nice
smart

It's hard to make that list. I think I'd be:
smart
funny
nice
pretty
But who am I kidding? I want them all at the same time.

What order would you put them in?

Jules said...

I thought it was hilarious.

I tried to put them in order, but I couldn't. I was having major internal arguments over the pros and cons of each one. Good for Zoey for knowing what she wants. :)

Cindy said...

Just to clarify, I did think it was funny. Kids crack me up.

Hmmm. I tried, but I simply can't prioritize them. I think funny goes with smart, and who doesn't want to be nice? (except that dick in my accounting dept) I really want to be pretty but not at the expense of the others.

Lucky for me, I'm all of them. I KID, I KID!

xo

krista said...

maybe i should hold tight to the final days of finn using her own language. at least i can't understand her very well yet.

ZDub said...

LOL! This is too funny.

I think it's kinda hard for kids to be RUDE at that age, just honest.

Not that you are NOT PRETTY.

And I would probably blow a homeless dude for candy corn, but that's just me. :)

Oh Brother! said...

The thing is, if you are pretty, you don't need to be smart, funny or nice.

If you are smart, you know better and don't care if you are pretty, funny or nice.

If you're nice, all the pretty, funny, and smart people already like you.

And if you're funny, fuck 'em if they can't take a joke :)

Love,

Bro (None of the above)

Petunia Face said...

Oh Brother!/Andy: It was almost as if I set this post up for your comment--that was perfect! You are awesome (nice, smart, funny, and okay fine--cute *shudders*).

Rosalie said...

Zoey is so lucky she has you recording these awesome Zoeyisms. Sadie's first sentence, REAL sentence, was, 'Frida go poo poo outside? Frida go pee pee outside?' and for some reason, I don't feel like filling up a blog post about that moment.....

Duel Living said...

I am funny looking.
I am a smart ass.
I have nice earlobes.
I am pretty boring.

But it works for me...somehow...it all works.

Candy corn is flippin' fantastic...especially in handfuls!

Kwana said...

That is too funny. Poor Zoey set up with a tough one there.

Jules said...

I just had to come back and say that your brother's comment was absolutely perfect.

Also, Zachary is right. Three year olds aren't RUDE. Adults are a different story.