Monday, September 14, 2009

The Many Faces of Bryan: A Story Told in Facial Hair (NOW WITH UPDATE!)

For weeks now I have had Danger Zone in my head. Sometimes it's Footloose, I'm Alright, Playin' With the Boys, don't ask me how I know so many of these songs, I just do. Michael Mcdonald--I'll be darned if he hasn't squeezed into my head, too, other times Kenny Rogers, but mostly it has been Kenny Loggins, my life a soundtrack to an 80's movie wherein boy meets girl and irritates the fuck out of her skin what with his bitchin' beard and then some. Because of this, my husband:
Last week was the regatta de beard and I could not have been happier to see the finish line. Unfortunately on the first day Bryan torqued his back (so laden down with facial hair was he), and was forced to sit out the majority of the race. And by "sit out" I mean he laid on the couch at home and watched gladiator movies while making soft gristly downright maggot-y noises with his fingertips raking his beard. Sometime around Friday afternoon I reminded him that he was free to shave now that he was out of the race, but he said he wanted to support his team in spirit which means I got to spend my weekend with this man:
One bottom lip gained! It was kind of sexy in a Do Not Pick Up Hitchhikers kind of way. Except soon, the civility of this:
Turned to this:
A man possessed by bad grooming, one gladiator movie too many. Who's to say if it was the Porn 'Stache or High Hilarity Brought On by Bedrest, but Bryan really went with it:
At one point during the weekend as I was asking him to stand against the wall for yet another photo Bryan said, "I feel like you're making fun of me." Which kinda' broke my heart.
Because I'm not making fun of him. I mean, he's in on the joke, right? Plus, while I am not one for mustaches and never ever once got the whole mystique of Tom Selleck 5-0, I do think Bryan rocked the Ned Flanders walrus pushbroom, don't you?
I am so totally NOT making fun of him.
And when Sunday night finally rolled around, I was so happy to gain a top lip. A mouth. That smile.
And then we made out. The End.

UPDATED TO ADD: My sister-in-law just sent this awesome pic of Zoey proving that yes, Zoey DOES take after her daddy, and I do have a fantabulous sister-in-law.

18 comments:

arollerskatingjam said...

Just perfect.

At first, Grizzly Adams comes to mind.
Then, a scary bounty hunter on a Harley.
Of course, he then morphs into the living version of the Bounty paper towels man, without the flannel.

I laughed out loud and love that he was so willing to mug for you!

ZDub said...

Bryan rocks!

Vanessa said...

I want to be adopted by your family. Because you all seem awesome. Do you have any need for a 29-year-old addition? I can cook pretty well.

Petunia Face said...

Vanessa--Bryan's always saying he wishes I cooked more/better/at all.
Come on over!

Cindy said...

This made my day! LOL
xo

krista said...

it must be a 'bryan' thing...mine's got the facial hair/beard/stache combo full of many variations in constant rotation. i've totally gotten used to it. either that or he has me brainwashed.

Jules said...

That was awesome. :)

The first 'stache was sexy in a gay man/bear kind of way. But, that just speaks to my love of challenges.

Anne said...

Your adorable daughter looks so much like her daddy! Without the facial hair of course. Lovit.

Nancy Fastenau, Fastenau and Associates said...

Bryan looks so much like his father who looks like his father . . . that is very eerie!

Charlee said...

OK, this post made absolutely laugh out loud! And not in an LOL way - the real thing!

Kendra plus 2 said...

A few years ago BK (that's Before Kids) I scheduled a portrait session for me and my lovely hubby. What a nice Christmas gift for the family I thought. My hubby thought otherwise and the morning of the picture came upstairs with mutton chop sideburns and a 'pornstache'. In his sick, twisted mind he though I would be so offended by his style I would cancel the appointment. Well the joke was on him when I forced him to go and continued on as planned. It was immortalized on film and he was the one that looked like a dork and not me. I must say the reaction of the family members that did receive the photo itself was priceless.

Claire said...

Ridiculously funny - I love that he played along!

However, I couldn't tell my husband why I was giggling uncontrollably because I didn't want him to see the pictures and get any ideas...

Brandi at Duel Living said...

do all men do this? My husband also goes through various 'staches when he shaves his beard...though he takes the pics himself and posts them on facebook. Last one was him with a Hitler/porn stache and a bike helmet requesting a biker gang to ride with. Husbands...and when they shave it all off...doesn't their chin and face look short?

The Lil Bee said...

That is hysterical!! I have to show this to Paul when he gets home. Every now and then when he shaves, he'll leave a mustache for the day, just to mess with me.

Oonafey said...

I think he looks hot with the Fu-Manchu, but apparently I am slightly insane...

v8grrl said...

THATS HOT!!!!!!

hee, especially the "V" fingers...

next time I would like to request the jon waters skinny stashe

por favor

xo v8

Elise said...

Oh WOW, this is a great post & you have the most gorgeous site here. It's all perfect !

Thank you and best wishes....

Richie Designs said...

omg I'm crying from laughter right now.

the porn star lickity lick was the one that sent me over the edge.

brilliant and the fact that he was a good sport to do it for us all is even better.