Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Just De-Lovely and Delicious

My new house smells like honey. Seriously. At night so thick I can taste it, during the day a little lighter but still there, an amber-colored smell of something so sweet that I do not know its name, so I call it honey, like a man might call his lady friend after a long night. Deep breath in, deep breath in, what is that? Sometimes I forget to exhale. It smells so good I say to Bryan, and without fail he replies with it's because I farted. He's been saying that since I've known him, and I don't know which surprises me more: how many times I seem to remark on how good things smell or how unfailingly he attributes night blooming jasmine or garlic in a skillet to the stench of his own flatulence. I swear to god he could cheat on me then murder my family, I could get re-married eleven times and vow to forget him, but for the rest of my life I would never be able to say something smells good without anticipating his reply, it's because I farted. So yes, there's that: my new house smelling like honey. Any ideas what it is? And then there's this: a historical church in England renovated and converted into somebody's home. Something tells me this house might smell like bread and wine, perhaps the dank of stone and the warmth of church pews, but I still think I'd live there, tombstone garden and all.

Although it would be very hard not to feel as if you were living out some kinky sacrificial sexy role play here, on display for the congregation. Would you just be able to have procreational sex? Missionary, close your eyes and think of England?

And after we finish the mutton, we will adjourn to the apse for the rectory, the unholiest of communions... Can I help it if all religious words sound slightly dirty? I'm going to Hell, aren't I? Do you think these people put up a tree at Christmas?
But check out the bathtub: divine, and I'm not even saying that in a pretentious way. It truly is divine.
I wonder, though, if the church had to be deconsecrated before the couple moved in? Is there such a thing as deconsecrating? Or is that simply desecrating? And why am I now thinking of defecating and that 90's band Deee-lite? (God how I used to boogie to Groove is in the Heart.)

Of course the real desecration here is the collection of denim sofas. I'm just sayin'--a little piece of Land's End in God's House? De-No.
Granted my house is no church, and clearly I am no lady of the cloth. But there are Buddhas in my garden, a Greek Mati at my door, a portrait of the Virgin Mary on my fridge and at her feet sits Marilyn Monroe and Rita Hayworth. I planted lavender for good luck, tree ferns because they make me happy, and now my house smells like honey and is the best home I have ever made. And that I hold sacred.


Anonymous said...

One of the most heavenly smells ever is blooming orange blossoms, that and the bright citrus scent of daphne.

R. said...

This church/house is absolutely stunning! I've never seen anything like it. Thanks for sharing it. www.Rachaelsblossoms.blogspot.com

Adriene said...

Sing it baby...
perhaps this is De-culprit?


Charlee said...

OMG, my husband used that Fart line as well. What is it with these guys?????

Sparkie said...

There's the obvious honeysuckle.

I am always mesmerized by the tiny white flowers on privet hedges when they are blooming. Drives me wild.

Judy said...

As I am sure you already could guess, that church/residence is my DREAM house. I LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. IT! I WANT it-but without the denim-clad furniture. And, yes, catholic churches, once in disuse or used for purposes other than churchiness, must be "de-sanctified" or "de-consecrated" by the Bishop of the Diosese. Also, if something terribly sinful happens in a church (like sex on the altar) it has to be "re-consecrated". There's a beautiful, well-known restaurant/micro-brewery in Pittsburgh called "The Church Brew". (I know of this only from seeing photos in interior design mags)The place was St. John the Baptist catholic church until the early 1990's. Apparently it had a small and very elderly congregation that just sort of died off and they closed and sold the church. The microbrewery bought it and has beer taps on the old altar and uses the confessionals for storage. There was enough outrage from this that an entire church-closing process was instituted which stipulated that the Diocese has to remove all religious items-including stained-glass windows, altars and such before they sell any church.
When I buy my old church, I hope it comes with all the good stuff because I really need me an altar and a confessional, by God!
And, the honey smell, that's easy....you and Zoey both smell like honey and everything sweet and good to me (not so sure about Bry's farts) so, of course your house smells delightful. And I agree...it's your BEST house thus far!

jen said...

Being a nice jewish girl, i always thought it would be cool and slightly naughty to live in a converted church. Or a converted ANYTHING (those barn/houses are pretty sweet).

Is it because I converted??

sunshine said...

That house/church beautiful but in a way also is creepy, I agree with everything you said about the bedroom, it would just plain weird for me to try to get some sleep there, never the less have sex!

Even though you don't have pictures of your house, with the descriptions and the smell, I'm sure it is a beautiful magical place!

Rosalie said...

There's probably honeysuckle growing nearby.
Next time I'm over, I'll sniff it out--as long as Bryan isn't home.

Vanessa said...

I agree with sunshine, I think it would be totally creepola to live in there. And yeah, you'd think they'd get a little more imaginative with the living room. Weird.

Oh Brother! said...

The sweet smell of honey? That's easy: Gangrene. Yepper, look it up.

(Now that would be just silly because you'd KNOW if you had Gangrene... so it must be the body buried in the basement :)

Love, bro

Anonymous said...

Is your "new" house old? When I bought my house to restore the first thing I did was pull off the inside walls of my now bedroom to reveal lots and lots of honeycomb. Bees had been dwelling in the walls for years. Even after the removal of the comb it smelled like honey for about 3 months. Maybe someone got rid of the bees but the comb remained. Ya never know.

Petunia Face said...

My "new" house is very old--I think built in the 1920's? (That's old for California). And there are a lot of bees in my garden, so maybe there is a hive somewhere in the walls? I hope it's ok because I actually love the smell, as long as the bees don't attack!