Monday, June 22, 2009

When I Win the Lottery I Am Going to Have My Own Hair Stylist. And Masseuse. But First I Have to Play the Lottery.

Here's what I don't get (among other things: Mariah Carey, the deal with Israel and Palestine, playing piano with two hands at the same time)--I don't get Heidi braids. I mean, I love them. Covet them. Close my eyes and picture myself wearing the perfect boho purple paisley dress with my hair all done up like only a German orphan living with her grandfather on the Swiss Alps can be braided. But I don't get how to do them. Granted I seem to have been born lacking a few stereotypical female traits. I don't have the cooking gene, never really daydreamed about my own big tulle fondant seven layer wedding day, and I am seriously lacking the seventh rung on my DNA which scientists at MIT have discovered is the one in which woman learn how to do their own hair. Here the helix is off-kilter or something, crooked, because for the life of me I cannot do anything with my hair but a ponytail, and a lumpy ponytail at that. I mean, is it just me or did Heidi not have any bobby pins living high up on that mountain top with an old cranky man? Perhaps she used the toenail clippings of her sheep to fasten her plaits? What? I don't know.

Anyway, this is how I spent my weekend: watching these You Tube hair-do tutorials with this adorable chick and then running to my mirror to see if I could do it. I can't. My hair is at once too slippery, too puffy, too layered, too mine. In short, my hair grows out of my head, me with the missing girlie gene, which means it is forever intent on just sort of lying there. Like that. But never like this:




Still, if I can show just one person how to create her own Heidi braids I will be happy. And very jealous. You people with your perfectly lined up seventh genome--I might follow you down the street staring at your pretty pretty hair; I might reach one hand out to let my fingertips graze your head. (But not in a creepy way, of course.) I might watch videos of you doing your hair over and over and over again trying to memorize the way you open that bobby pin with your teeth. (This in an unmistakeably creepy way.)
In related news: I think this young gent has the aforementioned hair-do gene. In fact, I am pretty sure he stole mine. Who's got my back should I confront him?

*I found the Heidi tutorial here. God knows where I found the beard-do pic.

12 comments:

Cindy said...

The beards on the tattoo faces! BAH hahahaha!

When I was little my mom would make a braid on each side of my head and then curl the end under so I had two braid loops over each ear. That was *my* Heidi hairdo, and I thought it was the coolest.

Cindy said...

I meant two braid loops -- one over each ear.

Like this chick: http://tinyurl.com/mqr2xd

Ameya said...

I, too, am missing all those genes. I did a sorta-heidi braid once, though.. but it was lumpy and unstable and ultimately undid itself dramatically... luckily no eyes were lost from the flying bobbypins.

Vanessa said...

Don't feel bad. I can't do anything with my hair either. When I was little I used to wear two braided pigtails. That's as good as it got.

melissa said...

Don't take the gene back from that dude. I think he broke it.

mosey along said...

The reason I will NEVER be able to do a hairstyle like that is because I need step-by-step instruction. I mean - "random bobby pins in random positions"? No no no no no. I need "insert bobby pin one and a quarter inches from part." "Tuck bangs in at the fourth braid twist."

I'm 42 and I can barely do a ponytail.

Kwana said...

What the hey? How did you suck me in with this video? Must have been the music. I have no hair to speak of. I'm so bad with my hair that I can't even grow it properly. When I win the lottery I'm getting a chef, a cleaning lady, and then a stylist.

Love the bald beard dude.

Scribe said...

Growing up, I was never allowed to grow my hair - I had a mop that took 2 hours to dry - so I would wait and wait until my hair grew enough to put in two pigtails on other side of my head. To this day I still can't do a french braid 'cause what was the point...

Aartee said...

LOL tha tlast image is hilarious!!! Don't worry I can never get my hair to do anything fun either!

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Ok, that girl is retardedly beautiful. And, sadly, I don't think Heidi braids are in my future either. Sigh.

Karen McMillan said...

I so want to be able to do heidi braids, ever since seeing Harold and Maude- http://sfist.com/attachments/sfistLeanne/haroldandmaude.jpg

Love your blog by the way! You're my official "blog idol". I stumbled upon you by googling the words "Tell me again George about the Rabbits".

Petunia Face said...

Who knew there were so many other women who cannot do their own hair?? I feel so much more womanly now knowing I am one sloppy ponytail among many!

And Karen--Ruth Gordon is my IDOL! Seriously--not that I am famous or even need a pseudonym but when I can I use the name Ruth Gordon. I heart her so freaking bad I cannot even tell you. My grandmother (who was a sort of Ruth Gordon/Auntie Mame herself) also wore the braids up like that and I always swore I would do that as an older lady. Trouble is, I don't think I can do it myself! Gah!