Which reminds me--things I must teach Zoey by the time she reaches puberty:
- Do not ever bring in a photo of a Dutch supermodel to Supercuts and ask them to make you look like her. You will not look like her. You will not even look Dutch. In fact, you will not want to look in the mirror for at least three more years.
- Do not line the inside of your eyes with Wet 'n Wild aqua eyeliner. Or wear mood lipstick. Sure it may seem like a cool idea, green lipstick that turns pink or red depending on your mood, but take it from me: that shit turns a sick shade of mauve no matter your mood and doesn't come off no matter how hard you rub. Or kiss. Or practice kissing on the back of your hand. Mood = pathetic.
- Do not tuck the corners of your collar into your (in hindsight ironic) Yale sweatshirt. For that matter, don't wear the pointed collars out. Just to be safe, don't wear pointy collars or Yale sweatshirts together or separate. Ever. And if you think adding a purple rhinestone brooch to this ensemble makes you look mysterious like Prince? Well then I just cannot help you.
- When a boy asks you to slow dance to "Stairway to Heaven" make sure it is a boy you like as the song is 14 minutes long and you will feel his sad little boner poking you in the thigh because you are taller than he is and you will just have to shuffle around with your arms around his neck and pretend it's not happening for 14 very long minutes (with that fast little guitar riff in the middle of the song during which I still have no idea what one should do. Let go of each other and boogie down? Play air guitar? I always opted to keep shuffling, i.e. when you don't know what to do, do nothing). Yes, pokey little boners even happen to girls with hair in the shape of a mushroom.
- Give short boys a chance. They will grow and soon enough you won't feel like a fungish oaf when you make out with them. You will feel like a beautiful girl and then a beautiful woman, and maybe, if you are very, very lucky you will fall in love with the boy who is no longer short and you will feel like a beautiful wife and the beautiful mother of a beautiful girl with hair in the shape of a halo.