Wednesday, June 10, 2009

No Hate Mail Please

Now this. This is why I don't have a dog. This and the fact that a dog will stare at you unabashedly while pooping, the barking, that little lipstick thingie on boy dogs and the way they like to lick your face (the dog, not necessarily the lipstick). Growing up I called myself a dog person. I knelt down next to strange dogs on the street to give them a scritch. I wanted to be the kind of girl who drove a Jeep Wrangler and lived in Colorado. I wanted to be a dog person. But as I get older I realize I really don't like to be licked in the face. The sound of a dog barking makes my face itch and I have never been to Colorado although I imagine it is beautiful. (The closest I ever got to driving a Jeep Wrangler was when I was 18 and had a Volkswagen Cabriolet which is just the other end of obnoxious.) *I like cats. Cats cover their poop; I have never had a cat hump my leg although if it did you know they would do it gently and quite possibly while using a British accent.



Anyway, this. Happy Hump Day.

*Them's fightin' words for dog lovers, so please know this: I don't hate dogs. I don't even dislike them. I just mean that if there were a civil war and the world became divided into canine and feline, I would have to don me some kitty whiskers. But right now I take dogs on a case by case basis. True, I don't like the neighborhood dog I have never met but hear bark all afternoon, but I might like him if I met him. As long as he didn't splay his legs right in front of me and go to town on applying his lipstick.

17 comments:

MrsEm said...

I'm with you. Dogs can be great, but only if you live in the country and the dog has free will concerning digestive matters.

hmrubes said...

I've always thought I liked dogs(can't stand the term "dog lover" which implies something illegal) as long as I don't have to deal with feces, urine, vomit, humping, or dog hair. I suppose if you take away all those things, you don't have a dog which is I don't have a dog.

Vanessa said...

Oh, man. Susannah, Susannah, Susannah. Those really are fighting words...

hej said...

Dogs are proof that you can buy love.

Aunt_B said...

It DOES look like a lipstick thingie!! That is funny!!!!! I'm not a dog person either. I'm not really an animal person come to think about it. I tolerate them because my husband and girls LOVE animals. Thankfully my son is on my side in the animal department. It sucked there for a while being the odd-mom out.

Black Dog Salvage said...

i'm with vanessa but am cool to agree to disagree :)

Zakary said...

Ugh, I don't really like dogs either. I think they are gross.

And you should come to Colorado. We could go for a drink and make fun of people and that let their dogs ride in the front seat of their car.

Samantha said...

I forced myself to be a dog person for many of the same Colorado-y reasons (it really is a stunning state). Eight years into actually having a dog, I'm still not a dog person. And this is only partly why...
http://upmamaswall.blogspot.com/2009/06/potty-mouth.html
But I don't like cats that much either...

ModernMommaBlog said...

Super funny. I love it!

Rosalie said...

Yes, but if an intruder broke in your house in the middle of the night and started strangling you or worse, your cat would slink away or start licking their paws, but your dog would start barking like crazy and defend you with their life--so, just saying--you know, if someone every DID break in, dogs are pretty great.
Xo
Ro

Oh Brother! said...

Dogs live in double-wide trailers.
Cats live in tastefully designed showcase homes in Atomic Ranch.

Dogs drive Cameros.
Cats drive Vespas... or maybe a BMW.

Dogs like fart jokes.
Cats, uh... don't.

Just to get the conversation rollin' :)

bro

Kacey said...

Hey I just wanted to say that ur blog is so great,u truly make my day every day.Until I started reading ur blog I would read cakewrecks to cheer me up but urs is infinitely better.Thanks for putting urself out there every day and giving us all hope in humanity.Also,I thought I was the only women who had thoughts and feelings like u do,glad to know im not the only one,lol.Keely

Anonymous said...

Seriously Susannah, those are fighting words. Cats are sooooo boring, they throw up all the time and their litter boxes, um, yeah, no thanks! I'll stick with my monkeydog with a poker face. xo

Sarah L said...

My eight pound, 6 year old chihuahua, who had the snip-snip operation when he was a mere pup, clamped onto my forearm and started humping it the other day for NO PARTICULAR REASON. I freaked out, nearly flung him across the room, and talked to him about repressing his Oedipal tendencies before I took a good ol' fashioned I-feel-dirty shower.

I've never had a cat, but I certainly admire their prudence.

krista said...

you know that commercial with toby? the dogs that likes to wipe his ass on the floor?
(did you post that video long ago? hmm...me can't remember)
anyway, that's why i don't want dogs. at least cats clean their butts.

Jessie said...

I would die if my dog did that.

Jen said...

Thanks for the video. I laughed so hard I snorted!