Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Going Down

I am valiantly trying to think of a post that does not include any of the following: farts, penises, vj's, bum bums, farting that may be emitted from said penis, vj or bum bum, vomit. I am having a tough time and am left to just sort of stand here on this elevator hoping I will somehow rise up.
I do not seem to be going anywhere.
Remember eighth grade? Reading Flowers for Algernon, that story about the man with an IQ of 68 who undergoes a surgical something or other, tripling his IQ? And then the lab mouse dies and Charlie begins to rapidly decline? And then the bell rang and you made a joke about it being a cliffhanger story and how the cutest boy in school laughed at your joke and now 23 years later you still remember that feeling in your stomach, the joy, and oh my god how pathetic that I am writing about that much less remember it. Yeah, that. Well, I'm afraid I might be Charlie only I don't know when I was ever of unsurpassed intelligence. I just fear that wherever I am things are on the decline. The elevator is going down and I am taking the stairs two at a time to rise up.
The novel opens with an epilogue from Plato's The Republic:
"Any one who has common sense will remember that the bewilderments of the eye are of two kinds, and arise from two causes, either from coming out of the light or from going into the light, which is true of the mind's eye, quite as much as of the bodily eye."
I am not entirely sure what it means but just writing the words of Plato makes me feel smart. (Wikipedia says something about the quote discouraging people from laughing at others who are perplexed or weak of vision, so there.)
And so it goes. Please don't think ill of me when I ask the following: are there any masseuses out there? Because I must know--when you are getting a massage and you have to fart and you squeeze your butt cheeks together trying to hold it in, does the masseuse see that? Does she think it's funny? Does she try to suppress a giggle as she watches your quivering butt cheeks? Does the act of tensing up your butt muscles totally ruin the massage? And then afterward, does she tell all of her masseuse friends about you, the client who had to fart?
Just wondering.
Tomorrow, I swear I will try to write something good. Something smart.
Please put flowers on Algernon's grave.


miss. chief said...

aw, i really like that book. haha

Jess LC said...

I TOTALLY forgot about that book! Did you know there is also a movie from the 60's about it too? Even better than the book.

I also read The Hatchet 64 times for elementary school.

nicole said...

i dont know about the massage table but i farted in pilates once and totally busted out laughing like a school child and had to roll up my mat and leave b/c i couldnt stop laughing...classy!

Scribe said...

Totally not on a massage table or in pilates class, but while on vacation last year, I had fallen asleep on the lounger by the pool, surrounded by my friends, or so I thought. I woke myself up with my own fart, only to find strangers where my friends should have been. I feigned a yawn and pretended to fall asleep hoping they wouldn't notice my crimson cheeks.

Kirsten @ Apotheca said...

Wait! I know the answer to this one. I'm a massage therapist and I'll paraphrase another massage therapist I once read on the subject: when a client is relaxed enough to snore it's like applause. When they're relaxed enough to fart, it's like a standing ovation.

Petunia Face said...

Kirsten--I love that quote/paraphrase/insider info! I'll try to remember that next time I'm getting a massage and don't need to fart. Because as I've said before, I never fart. Don't even have a butt, as a matter of fact.
I want to come in soon for a massage, though!

Cindy said...

Man I hate it when I have to fart in public. It usually creeps up on me when I'm at the chiropractor, but I know him well enough now that I just warn him... and then STILL want to die of embarrassment.

You are so lucky to have a dormant anus.

BTW, when I was in 7th grade, I was cast as Charlie at age 5. (Yes, I am a female.) The Senior who played Charlie's mother was shorter than me, "her 5-year old son." I think we needed a better drama department...