Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Turn this mother out.

Hi PFG readers. Bee here. Recently I announced to the blogging world that I am with child and so, in the spirit of our sweet Susannah, I thought I'd take this opportunity to be brutally honest about what (very little) I know, what scares me senseless, and a little something called colostrum. Here goes...

Myth: "I never felt better than when I was pregnant!"
Bee's reality: Pregnancy is like the worst hangover of your life, minus the alcohol. I was sick for the first 14 weeks. The smell of garlic made me hurl. My allergies were in overdrive, my uterus was pulling and twisting and pushing my organs and muscles and bones into knots, and I had constant nosebleeds. Thankfully, now that I'm at the halfway mark, many of these side effects have passed. Others are just now settling in. Like...
  • Back Fat. Often accompanied by Fourboobiosis, Back Fat occurs when your bra has been stretched to capacity and can no longer accommodate your elephantiasis-afflicted melons.
  • Farts. Yours will smell like hard boiled eggs mixed with gasoline mixed with bacon bits. Cobb salad, anyone?
  • Colostrum. It hasn't happened to me (yet), and I pray that this joy passes me by altogether. Still, if you need a primer on leaky teats, look no further. Sus's got you covered.
  • Chub Rub. Heard of it? When you're pregnant, your thighs join together in a show of unity and become one. A distant cousin to Swamp Ass, Chub Rub will render your once taut thighs a red, rashy, friction-filled mess. My solution: stock up on capri pants and maternity jeans. Which leads me to this:
See this image of a pregnant woman in WHITE Slim Leg Maternity Jeans? She is a fallacy. She does not exist. The name of this particular style jean is in and of itself an oxymoron. Now, if anyone hears of a maternity jean called Dark-as-Night Wide Load Heifer Denim, please let me know. I'm still searching for that perfect fit.
ag jeans STILT SECRET FIT BELLY(TM) 5 POCKET SLIM LEG MATERNITY JEAN

But, fa(r)t jokes aside, there's also a really wonderful part about being pregnant. The part that Susannah captures so beautifully. The part I can only imagine and have yet to discover.

When I close my eyes and picture the baby, I picture giggles and smiles and (s)he looks like me...no, wait, wait, that's your smile! I picture belly laughs and impromptu hip-hop dance parties in our living room, family walks with the dogs and a mini Weeble-Wobble, all diapered-up and off-balance and smelling fresh and soft and new. I catch future glimpses of my husband and the little bean cuddled on the couch, napping together all peaceful and perfect and one. I think of our daughter the artist, our son the gentleman, our family the loving and happy unit.

And I think of the scary stuff. Like, just how large and Weeble-Wobble-ish I'll become, that my body might not bounce back to its pre-pregnancy state, that I'll be a horrible mother, that something will be wrong, that I won't be able to fix it, or her, or him, and that I'll be 1,000% in over my head. I think of soft heads and unstable necks and the cutting of those itty bitty fingernails and screams that won't stop. I'm scared of not knowing what to do.


Then I think, if Octopussy can handle 14 children, surely I can manage one child, right? Right? Here's hoping. And here's to you for letting me sit in while the mother of all mothers, our sweet Susannah, is living la pura vida. Thanks, Mrs. Petunia Face, for keepin' it real and for showing me what kind of mom I want to be.

Hugs and kisses,
Bee

18 comments:

I *Heart* You said...

oh Bee, you laid it out there! all true! and i am with you on the white slim maternity jeans - which probably cost about $300, right? yeah, those things are the devil.

best maternity purchase ever? the stretchy pencil skirt from American Apparel. I'm 27 weeks and still wearing it! Gotta love that!

And all your sickness makes me think you are having a girl!

krista said...

being pregnant was the absolute worst time of my life. hungover and seasick...that's how i felt 24/7. i was also crazylikeafox hormonal and a wretched mess. WHITE MATERNITY JEANS? i'm sorry, but i had stuff leaking out of area 51 (as i fondly referred to my vagina while "with child") that i'm sure contained government secrets and i'm pretty sure white skinny jeans would have merely made me feel more out of control than i already did. besides the fact that i went from a 34D to a 38G. yes, G.

but, um, YAY FOR YOU!

(and it's a total cliche but it's all worth it. even the leaking boobs.)

:-)

Laura. said...

that horrible octo-mom picture is now burned into my brain. ew.
and for the record, some of us have been experiencing chub rub since we were twelve, no matter how hard we get that inner thigh flab to go away (perhaps i've said too much).

miss. chief said...

i was going to say something to you but then i got distracted by krista's comment
thirty eight GEEEEEE? wowzers

Meghan M said...

The one accuracy of the picture of the white-panted preggers chick... the freaky black arm hair that shows up overnight. And spreads to your belly. And other parts.
Pregnancy was the first time I ever shaved my toes.

Laura @ the shorehouse. said...

Followed Bee here from her blog. Between the post and krista's comment, I think I'm leaning towards total celibacy. ;-)

jae said...

It's all true....every bit of it. However, it's all worth it...or maybe we just have a moment where we forget and do it all over again. It is the only thing I can think of that is just as magical as it is horrific.

alissa said...

i just threw up in my mouth from the octomom photo. holyshite.

KJZW said...

I agree with the insanely disgusting Octomom photo. And Krista that is too funny...

Amy said...

Why show the Octo Mom? Why???

beachbungalow8 said...

that might be the smelliest, tru-dat post on pregnancy I've ever read.

thankin' ya for that.

Anonymous said...

I fully applaud your honesty! FINALLY! I spent 9 months cursing those sneaky, lying biatches that talk about "loving being pregnant" & "that pregnancy glow!" It's an evil misery-loves-company cult that leaves out the TRUTH: nausea, sinus issues, sleeplessness, swelling & the like!

...& still, AMAZINGLY ALL WORTH IT!!!!!!

Chessa! said...

omg--chubrub, elephantititis, fourboobiosis and swamp ass...that's awesome. I think this post deserves a Pulitzer. In fact, the other day I actually referred to my "swamp ass" when husband and I were stuck in traffic on the LIE for what seemed like hours...he LOLed and I told him I couldn't take cred for the term and gave you a lil shout-out. but I think that fourboobiosis is my new fave...
:) can't wait to see you next week!

The Lil Bee said...

You guys are awesome...thank you for your comments, all funny and honest. Sorry about Octopussy, but it was either that or Mophead (aka Kate Gosselin), and since US Weekly has now dedicated 5 consecutive covers in a row to her, I thought I'd give Octo a moment in the sun. That mammoth-size stomach could probably use a tan.

Thanks for having me, Sus:) xo

Zakary said...

Oh, Bee, I heart you!

Also, I would like to add that you should look forward to hemorrhoids after the pregnancy. You usually get them from pushing!

Robin said...

Great post! Oh, yes pregnancy sucks ass, but I promise it is worth it. Bee, you will be a wonderful mom and I can't wait to read about your adventures!
xo
ps-it takes time, but your bod will bounce back...11 months later and I am finally wearing my old clothes.

farmhouse wares said...

OMG! Back Fat--it may be the reason I have only one child.

Sharon, The Queen Blogger said...

She may look great in those jeans, but her arms look as hairy as an ape. A French ape.