Monday, April 6, 2009

Further Evidence of My Immaturity

Remember that show Growing Pains? How Mike Seaver had that dopey Italian friend named Boner? I've always wondered how they got away with that. In related news, if I ever get a dog I'm going to name him Boner. He'll be fixed, of course; I just really want to stand in front of my house and yell Boner. Boh-NEERRRR!

Now I've typed the word so many times it's losing its meaning. Bonerbonerboner, l-m-n-o-p. There are many reasons it would be awesome to be a man: running without boobs, no periods, watching tv with one hand absentmindedly on my junk, the ease of public urination, never being called a bitch (unless of course I go to prison, in which case I don't think gender matters). But there are also a few reasons I am god-oh-so-lucky not to be a man, not the least of which is prostate cancer followed closely by the embarrassment of boners.

(Note to self: The Embarrassment of Boners as potential title of my autobiography. The cover would be an image of me with a photoshopped boner. Totally. You'd buy that, right?)
...
(Okay, if you wouldn't buy that book, how would you like to get a Christmas card next year of me and my family. Everything would be normal except I'd have a boner. No? Hm, I'll work on some other ideas.)

Since prostate cancer is not funny, I'm choosing to focus on boners. And so does this website: www.awkwardboners.com. I love it in a schadenfreudey ugh-I-have-PMS-but-at-least-I'm-not-sporting-wood-at-the-mall kind of way. Yeah. Happy Monday to you, too.
Seriously--Happy Monday. Because this weekend Bryan and I sold our house and found the cutest house to rent, a 1940's 3 bedroom California bungalow in the most perfectest neighborhood and for almost half of what we were spending on our mortgage. And I've had a bit of a chubby ever since. I think things might be okay, after all.

31 comments:

v8_grrl said...

I now see why Hillary stayed with Bill...

hmmm

I'm so glad I don't have a penis

v8

MrsEm said...

Whoa! You sold your house so quickly. Congratulations on joining the ranks of the carefree, reckless renters. Renting is lovely.

Richie Designs said...

omg that's awesome on so many levels.

bill clinton thought? dude couldn't you cover it up with your hand? the teacher...the teacher is wrong.

-----
congrats on selling your house that was quick!

yes, advertising...end of this week, still sleep deprived. working on my kamakazi bride project

Vanessa said...

If you pen The Embarrassment of Boners, I'd totally buy it.
And also... CONGRATS on selling the house and finding an equally amazing new place to call home! I'm so happy for you! Everything is falling into place for you.

That Girl Designs said...

My God girl, you crack me up! Happy to hear things are looking up (no pun intended)! Congrats on finding a perfect little place to be....for now.

Sharon, The Queen Blogger said...

Creepy math teacher. Okay, I don't know that math is the subject, but I'd put down some money that it is.

krista said...

boners! new house! so many reasons to use exclamation points!
(oh, except for the teacher. that freaked my shit out.)
where is your new place? what's the new neighborhood?
oh, you probably have built-ins!! our new house is a 1940's building that used to house the actors that worked at warner bros. i always wonder who lived in my house. now i'm going to wonder who lived in your house.

Janet said...

The boners are pretty funny, but I find wearing a turtle neck with shorts pretty odd.

Gin said...

Congrats on finding a new place!
May you enjoy many boners there (and I mean that in more than one sense...)

Mrs. Flinger said...

HAHAHAHAHA. HAHAHAHA. Dies laffing.

jennster said...

ewwwwwwwwwww- now i feel violated! ME! my eyes! my head! i think something just exploded. lol

momranoutscreaming said...

How do men let themselves be photographed like that? Are they proud? well, obviously, the first guy was, it's bigger than the rest of him!
I love laughing on a Monday, thanks!

Petunia said...

I'm so happy for you!!

hej said...

We are all renting on this planet.

Sparkie said...

Reminds me of 2 things:
The Seinfeld episode when Elaine has her "nip" exposed on her Christmas card and the time a couple of years ago when I was hanging out on Bolinas Beach and this group of surfer dudes kept calling their dog out of the water, "Doofus. Hey, Doofus. C'm'ere Doofus". It was hilarious.

Robin said...

That is exciting...congrats!

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Congratulations on selling your house so quickly, that's amazing! I love when people figure out what they need to do and do it. That's awesome.

What else is awesome? A coworker walking up behind me while I read this post.

Uhhhhhh...

Mer said...

Those boners have to be photoshopped!
Congratulations on your successful real estate transaction!
All best!
Mer

arollerskatingjam said...

AHH!

You must see this!
Chubbs

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

I love that you typed that you have a bit of a chubby - that's an old skool phrase!

Kate Coveny Hood said...

Great news abut the house.

Very weird that you bring up Growing Pains/Boner Stabone (yes - I for some reason remember the full name).

I was thinking about the very same thing last week (as I do every once in a while - something about that Boner guy - he's rather unforgettable). And whenever I think of Growing Pains, there are a handful of episodes that immediately come to mind. One had something to do with a school dance. The goofball DJ played The Name Game and of course, Boner was all about it: Boner Boner Bo Boner Banana Rama Fo Foner... Aaaand...then it's stuck in my head all day. Awesome.

Yeah - so I comment here maybe once every few months and that's what I come up with - Boner Stabone. Bringing comments to an all time low.

Petunia Face said...

Thanks everyone :)
And Megan--Dutch boy + chubs = pure awesome. And I swear it looks as if it were shot in Marin.

benson said...

congrats! don't you feel like a boner er..I mean weight has been lifted?!

Visual Vamp said...

Isn't moving exciting? Just a little?
You purge alot of crap out of your stuff, you clean and paint the new place, you get a fresh start that propels your energy in a good way.
So congrats for selling your house in this crap economy.
My parents were renters all their lives. They did own a camper at the lake, which they parlayed into a home of sorts when things got tough for them.
Home ownership is vastly over rated.
Best of luck to you darling.
And let me know if you need help with the decorating.
xo xo

Maggie May said...

I don't believe that Clinton boner! No....?

And congrats on the house to rent, that is wonderful.

KJZW said...

Absolutely hysterical! This had me dying laughing at work on my break.

Susie said...

Yeah, congrats to you guys (I guess - is that appropriate since you didn't really "want" to move?). Anyway, I'm happy for you that things are working out.

Brandi said...

"The Embarrassment of Boners" - I love it! - and I'd totally buy it, gift it and leave a copy on my coffee table for all my guests to see!

MJ said...

BONAH!

I'm giggling. I love this post.

nicole said...

glad to see things are "looking up!" i'm here all night folks.

Angeline said...

LMAO you crack me up!