Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Jiggity Jig (the) Jig (Is Up)

Last night I picked up Bryan from the airport. The boat he sailed on came in second place; he is now deliciously tan and relaxed, although his knobby knees resemble two bubbling slices of pepperoni from crawling around the grippy bow of the boat all week long. Here is a pic Zoey snapped of us once we got home: What can I say? I like my men veiny.

Okay, fine. That's not really us. Truth in advertising: Bryan is just a cafe con leche away from personifying this crispified version of Todd Wilkins on steroids, although he doesn't look quite as dirty/oily, nor has he worn a tank top since 1989, praise be to the god of male armpit hair everywhere. And while the fraulein on the left bears a striking resemblance to yours truly (if you squint your eyes after liberally dousing them with nail polish remover, vinegar and a dash of salt), maybe, just maybe my abs are a tad doughier than hers, my hair not quite so yellow, my nails not quite so, uh, picky. Although I would totally rock that Frederick's of Daytona bikini number if ever given the chance.

So, for those keeping score at home, here is a brief synopsis of what I did for the past ten days:

  • Consumed 4 entire bags of Cadbury mini eggs
  • Drank 2 quarts of chocolate milk
  • Watched 17 total hours of slutty drunk bitch reality tv
  • Painted my coffee table what was supposed to be a brick red but in the light of day tomorrow Bryan will discover is truly a carmine pink

What Bryan did for the past ten days:

  • Lived off of fresh Caribbean fish
  • Drank cold beer
  • Sailed aggressively all day
  • Slept in a $15k/week mansion complete with infinity pool on an island covered in sand the consistency (and probably the taste) of powdered sugar
  • Partied with the Wailers at night. Yes, of Bob Marley and the...
I think we can agree that I sure showed him for going away.


Oh Brother! said...

For what its worth; Morgan ALSO indulged in a massive Cadbury Cream Eggs session and would argue to the death YOU got the better end of the entire deal.

And its worth noting, her Cadbury "experience" was so ... orgasmic... ? ... profound?.... ... religious?...

(Should I be worried?) ... I digress.

Anyway, her Cadbury experience was sooooo "Cadbury," she had me go and research all there is to know about "these amazing delicious contraptions wrapped in such tactile classic foil..."

Cadbury Eggs were invented in England by the Cadbury Brothers in the 1920's.

Distributed in America (by Hershey).

The cream filling we know today was first introduced in 1971. Before that, it was pure sugar... uh, what is it now?

So yes, in Morgan's professional opinion, YOU rocked that end of the bargain.

And that... is the rest of the story.



Vanessa said...

Eh! Who cares? You forgot the part where you daughter told you she was gonna take a cigarette break! Who would want to miss that?

kelly said...

love your blog, susannah!

amber {daisy chain} said...

I say you got the better end of the deal - who needs fine powdery sand and tropics when one can have her very own stash of Cadburry creme eggs and a pink coffee table??

Ana said...

...and how you can still be on speaking terms with your husband....?
I think you are now owed a romantic getaway.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

So you're saying he didn't have any mini eggs?

You win.

Also, I feel really left out that I'm not eating mini eggs because my ENTIRE GOOGLE READER // TWITTER LIST has been talking about them excessively.

Also also: "Frederick's of Daytona" is genius.

Anonymous said...

I desperately need to hit the candy aisle. Damn you.

JackeeG4glamorous said...

I personnaly prefer hershey candy coated eggs and yellow Peeps. I can eat Yellow Peeps until I get bloated and bumpy with indigestion.
(visual, I know, I know)

I love Easter!

Maggie May said...

oh my gosh. i want to do what Brian did.
and that picture is horrifying.

Meghan M said...

Cadbury Egg Season also means Peep Season.
Peeps! Disgusting marshmallows coated in unnaturally colored sugar... that magically become delicious when aged for a few weeks uncovered on the kitchen counter.
Oh, aged Peeps. I do adore you.

Good Enough Woman said...

How does someone's skin turn that color?

Thao said...

I adore this post. You got to stay home and hang out with Zoe though, and that beats the Wailers any day!

The Lil Bee said...

OMG "slutty drunk bitch reality tv" is my fave!! I'm watching it right now in fact. Come over and hang with?