Wednesday, February 25, 2009

On Death and Happy Lent

Back home, safe and sound. I drove the speed limit past rest stops and strip malls, by cow pastures and Burger Kings, around semis and Saturns, careful not so much because I am a law abiding traveler of the interstate but because I was afraid of dying and having that vagina on a bicycle the last known image on Petunia Face. Not exactly the framed photo I envision adorning the top of my casket.

Which makes me wonder: what will become of this blog if I should die suddenly? Will you come here day after day, wondering why I haven't updated? How long until you give up? Should I give my password to Bryan so he can post a farewell in case of such an event? But what if we both die together? Should I bequeath it in my will, a one word log-in worth nothing more than the time it takes to utter it? As if it were a family jewel, or a child? I was thinking of this today as I drove. And then I had to think it backwards so as not to jinx myself. Ylneddus eid dluohs I fi golb siht fo emoceb lliw tahw? And then I ate a Cadbury Cream Egg I had bought at the gas station. And then I remembered that today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. So I thought about what I should give up. And then I remembered that I am not Catholic. So I ate another Cadbury Cream Egg. And now I am home, not dead, just dead tired. I am thinking it would be good if I just go stare at a blank wall for a few hours. And then eat another Cadbury Cream Egg.
Happy Lent. Or Pious Lent. I am not sure what the appropriate greeting would be as I have never bought an Ash Wednesday Hallmark card, raised as I was a Spiritually Agnostic Lapsed Episcopalian/Southern Baptist Who Loves Seasonal Candy Regardless of What God And/Or Pastoral Animal We Are Celebrating. So Happy Hump Day instead. I know that one.
p.s. Other on the road thoughts inspired by the mention of the dark and dirty underworld of the bedside table drawer: I'm thinking I should start a business, working title "So You're Dead Now But Don't Want Your Parents To Find Your Vibrator, LLC, Inc." Basically you hire me, tell me all your dirty secrets and where to find them. Upon your untimely passing I will be the first notified and quickly work to clean out whatever gank you have in your proverbial bedside table drawer. Possible items include sex toys, love letters, porn, dirty Polaroids and video, boogers, etc. I am working on the logistics, but something tells me this could be huge.
p.p.s. Dear Mom and Dad: I got this idea from watching tv. There is nothing in my bedside table drawer but Chapstick, cough drops and a Gideon's Bible.


Bird* said...

HIRED. Tell me where to send my personal information.

AND I don't do hallmark cards anymore. just someecards. ( - the lent cards are the BEST!

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I LOVE your business idea! I'll go halfsies with you!

JackeeG4glamorous said...

I actually have a pact made with my nearest dearest girlfriend that says just that. Upon my untimely death, she's to clean out my underwear drawer, not passing any judgement, and never mention the contents to a soul again. I love her.
I owe her a kidney.

hej said...

No problem. You can show me your drawers tomorrow night.

Vanessa said...

I've thought the same thing. How will my (few) blog readers know if I get hit by a bus? You know my last name, so if you find me absent without an excuse, just hunt down my parents.
Unfortunately I will not be needing your services. Cause I'm boring. I've never even owned a vibrator! How sad is that? I am totally not living a life on the edge.

Sharon, The Queen Blogger said...

Your topic reminded me of one of the dumbest things I've ever said:

"Hey, Joel, you have something on your forehead"

How was I supposed to know that catholics smudged ash on their foreheads on Ash Wednesday. I thought it had something to do with ash trees?

I'm a heretic.

Petunia Face said...

Sharon--I have actually reached over and tried to wipe the smudge off a person's forehead before. I don't know which one of us was more mortified. Yes I do--me. Gah. And then a few weeks later I got a huge zit in the middle of my forehead because God decide to smite me for my heathenism. And then I ate another Cadbury Cream Egg.

HEJ/Dad--your comment sounds unintentionally creepy. Then again, this whole subject is creepy amongst family members. Just know that I would never ever lie to you, not once, no way, my drawers are full of flannel nightgowns with very high-necked collars, I swear it.

All others--feel free to send me the contents of what you want destroyed and where it is and we'll figure out just how I will be the first contacted upon your demise.


amy b.s. said...

you are hilarious! that is the best business idea ever! i really think you'd have some very interesting clients...could turn into a book or something after that! all anonymous of course.

Sarah Danielle: Jeune Marie said...

I would hire someone for this service... not that I have anything to hide though... ;)

Jessie said...

God this is brilliant!!! I'm in, although I could have used your help a few weekends ago... we apparently have very immature friends who thought it would be funny to switch the entire contents of BOTH our night stand drawers while everyone else was out in the front of the house... I was HOPPING mad (lucky for them I noticed after they left), and they DEFINITELY came across a few things that no one else should EVER see.

So humiliating.

Happy Lenten Season, indeed!!!

Richie Designs said...

i *heart* cadbury cream eggs.

I have too wondered if I died...who would tell my blog page of my demise. morbid things to think about

Petunia said...

My gf will be doing the post- death, pre-party house cleaning for me! I wonder if guys make plans like that or just women. As for my blog...I think about that. too. I figure someone I know will leave a comment telling peeps I have gone to the big blogspot in the sky. Or maybe they'll run a notice on Page Six! I can only hope...

zakary said...

I gave my twin sister my password to my email/blog account. She's a lawyer and I know she would pay tribute to me accordingly. And delete my spam.

As for my nightstands, I'm not really afraid of someone finding my lube. I will be way too pissed about the fact that I'm dead.

monkey said...

should i be worried that i don't have a bedside table full of unmentionables?

MJ said...

Soooo who was it that went through our bedside table drawers the night you decorated our bedroom after the wedding??? I've been wondering for a while now and then I laugh when I think about it and the you-know-what you left for us.

If I die, I want you to clean my drawer and if you die, I promise I will get to yours before Mom does!

I have the strangest stuff in my drawer: A deck of Tarot cards, a deck of Daily Angel Guidance Oracle cards, hand cream from Japan, butter scotch flavored other cream, a letter from my husband, an old watch from my great grandfather, a letter from my great grandmother and a nail file. Trust me, from someone that has spent her entire life going through boyfriends drawers, I'm like a detective, I know where to find the goods and where to hide stuff. And yes Andrews, the first thing I did when I first met you and came over to get your mail and check on your cat was go through your drawers. :) I can't help myself!

Sus- I'll send you special instructions via email and make sure I include your services in my living will.

amber {daisy chain} said...

Hilarious! Jenny and I actually have a deal, she knows to go directly to the left side of my lingerie drawer should anything happen to me (not that I have anything in there but Chap Stick, of course). I'm loving this for a book idea, btw.

Gwen said...

fabulous idea! And I could get you a very long list of potential clients tied to my last job! (wink)