Monday, January 5, 2009

It Sounds Like a Ping (Can You Hear It?)

Usually you have no idea where your bladder is--that's the way it's supposed to be. I mean, it's just sort of there bobbing around inside your gut, la la la, maybe a pee pee dance here or there, la la la, the line for the ladies restroom is always too long, sure. But then somewhere along the way you get a bladder infection and WHAM! Suddenly you know exactly where your bladder is, and your bladder is pissing and moaning and THERE, looking for all intents and purposes like a very angry Angelica Huston. At least that's how I imagine it to be.
Zoey has lost the dimples on the backs of her fingers. Her sticky little starfish hands have been pulled into the thin dexterity of a child holding crayons. I don't know when this happened. Exactly how, or even why.

She was born three weeks early. 5lbs. 15oz., 17 inches long. Not yet tall or even short. Small. Her skin hung off her like a SharPei but I did not really know what a newborn should look like anyway. To me, she was perfect. I had never really hung on to the presence of other babies, had never eaten them up with my eyes in line at the bank. Other people's babies collected white foam in the corners of their mouths that made my stomach turn, they had acne, they stank. Zoey did none of these things. Her eyes were clear, her breath sweet, her skin soft. She cooed in key with Jack Johnson in our living room. And so I am surprised when I look back at the photos now and see spit up stains on the couch, bumps on her cheeks, her scalp scaly, her face purple from crying. My friends now tell me she looked like Smurfette. I did not see it; I had beer goggles for my own baby, took her home and have had a hair of the dog for breakfast every morning since. I am still drunk with her eyes.
Last week I figured out just where my ovaries are. They live in Zoey's closet, folded up neatly in a bin with her old clothes marked 0 - 3 months. I was cleaning out her closet when I found them, and it would seem that my ovaries are printed with tiny monkeys, bunnies, that they are the soft wool of a newborn lamb. I don't know if it's so much of a WHAM as it is a WHEN, maybe a bit of a WHY but hopefully nothing to do with a HOW, but they are THERE, not looking a thing like an angry Angelica Huston but maybe resembling a Smurf if I am to be perfectly honest.

A hairy, stinky, crusty, zitty, smiling Smurf with dimples on the back of each finger. And I look at my baby now, follow her 90% percentile tall toddler body when we are in line at the bank and she is pulling at the velvet dividers knowing full well she is not supposed to. I feast on her skin, her scent, the turn of her neck, the memory of her and the fingers that are no longer sticky fat starfish as much as they are thin electric eels getting into it all. And I want another one. I want her. I want her, I want her, I want her and I watch her become her own person and it is like watching butter harden. I know now where everything is. I don't know exactly how or even why, but it is THERE and I am hungry.

24 comments:

Maggie May said...

that chubby cutie! sigh. baby pictures are awesome. and i want MORE>

Tess said...

Dude, I've said it before and I'll say it again, YOUR DAUGHTER IS SO BEAUTIFUL OMG

Jen said...

You always put into words the feelings I have but cannot. Thanks for that.

Hopefully you can find a job quickly so you can get pregnant. :-) I want another one but am not sure how to afford a nanny/daycare plus preschool. I wish we could just win the lottery. :-/

Shannon said...

I was always the opposite...cooing at babies in the bank line, winking and making the obnoxious faces that allow others to laugh at you and question your sanity. Now I am expecting my first and the I hopes and I prays are mounting. I do hope that I have the ability to express the amazing love for my daughter as you so eloquently do in each entry you share.

Megan said...

when you have one as amazing as Zoey, how could you not want another?

scarletvirago said...

I mourned the loss of hand-dimples, too. I thought I was the only one.

Also, I've heard that this is the first-child stage where you start wanting another one. I bypassed it by being a stressed-out single mom. Now I'm not single, but my "baby" has become a pre-teen and it's the single most effective form of birth control I've ever used.

Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas said...

What a yummy baby! I'd love to tell you that nostalgic yearning goes away with the tantrums and other headaches of being a mom, but it doesn't.

zakary said...

Oh, she is too precious! I don't think she looked Smurfy, not one bit.

Troy is 13 months old and wearing 24 month clothes. What the heck happened to my baby? He skipped 6-9 month clothes completely. I need a redo!

P.S. I had never changed a diaper until my Zoe was born. How pathetic are we?

The Lil Bee said...

Ooooh baby fever!! She's so friggin cute, how could you not want five more of her? Those eyes, seriously...

Richie Designs said...

stop you're making my ovaries hurt!

I wish I was as sure as you. I'm not so sure I want to and time is ticking at 39.75

I use to be sure. I don't know what happened or where it went.

Patois said...

So that's where those ovaries were. I hope you weren't looking everywhere for them.

She's adorable. It's hard, hard, hard to let them grow.

monkey said...

your bladder needs an ass-whooping.

and your ovaries need some sort of ointment, seeing as they're all flared up.

(this post made me go in and sniff the air surrounding my sleeping baby and as i looked at her cheeks swollen with the indignation of falling asleep even though SHE WAS NOT TIRED AT ALL MOM i swear my uterus high-fived my fallopian tube.)

Robin said...

Brad and I are forever discussing how amazing Micah is and how lucky we feel. Yesterday I asked him if other people are as enchanted with their children. Then I read this post. Zoey (and sweet future baby) are so lucky to have you as their mama. Beautiful words!

Sarah Danielle: Jeune Marie said...

Loving the "faux hawk" in the second photo - SWEET! Rock on Zoe!

Rosalie said...

You said it sister. Sadie is now pulling herself up, inching down the sofa on her feet, little side steps all tentative and wobbly, like a little mini drunken lady. I already miss my baby and she's still a baby!

Mrs. Blandings said...

Oh, yes, I've had that feeling. Had it to the point of sobbing and begging. The good news/bad news? It doesn't go away. Eventually, you have to give in.

Aartee said...

Baby Fever! But who can help it when you have a cutie like Zoey??

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Bow chicka bow wow...have fun "practicing" for baby #2!

Jessie said...

I'd be hungry, too, if I had a little angelface like that!

Have another one! DOOO ITTTT!

{michelle} said...

That writing was beautiful, you really capture a feeling so effectively with words, you sound like a great mom!

Meghan M said...

Don't Baby Legs rawk?
They take every onesie to the cute plateau and push it over.

beachbungalow8 said...

I battle with this a lot. I really really miss my two year old girls. they're gone and they won't come back. Not that I don't painfully love my 7 and 10 year old. I just wish for one day I could walk through the door to see and hear that 2 year old again.

beachbungalow8 said...

I battle with this a lot. I really really miss my two year old girls. they're gone and they won't come back. Not that I don't painfully love my 7 and 10 year old. I just wish for one day I could walk through the door to see and hear that 2 year old again.

Anonymous said...

Please have another. As my husband says (begging me to go for #4), "we'll never regret having another one, but we would definitely regret not having one." I capitulated and am 6 weeks pregnant with our fourth! Fingers crossed for you and me.