Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Depends

The below photo is not, I repeat NOT a photo of me wearing diapers. Nor is it a photo of my sister-in-law Morgan wearing diapers. Instead it is a photo of a complete stranger wearing a diaper which in some ways makes the whole thing even creepier. However, the below post IS written by my sister-in-law Morgan. And in the post she does use diapers, as do I. Adding further to said creepy peepee factor...


Depends on who you’ll hear this story from to get to know exactly what went down and how and whose brilliant idea it was for me to pee in a Zoey’s baby diapers (yes diapers plural) on the limo van on the way up to my wedding. Because the thing is, Susannah told us, as guest bloggers that we couldn’t embarrass her too much. My intention here is not to embarrass Susannah but rather share with the www that I think my sister-in-law is the coolest. And if peeing in diapers is cool, (and it is) then we are the coolest gals I know. Thus begins my story…
I believe it was during the wedding rehearsal up at the ranch that everyone started joking about how I would have to pee while saying my wedding vows. See, I have a terrible problem with dehydration. I can go an entire day without a drink of water. It’s bad for me, I know. My bridesmaids are my best friends and they know that I have a huge problem with not drinking enough water. So ALL day long they were giving me water bottle after water bottle after water bottle. It got to the point where I was having to pee every 10 minutes. The other problem I have is that I get so busy that if I do have to go, I don’t. I seem to have been blessed with largest bladder ever. A gene I am hoping to pass onto my kids.
So there we were, all of the families together, all of the bridesmaids and groomsmen together up at the wedding rehearsal and my father-in-law makes a joke about everyone giving me so much water that I will need to wear an astronaut diaper under my dress, like that crazy lady who tried to kidnap here ex-boyfriend and drove cross-country in a diaper. It was funny but what I never saw coming was that the next day I would actually be peeing in Zoey’s spare diapers.

My wedding day was a flurry of activity and water bottles. Before I knew it me and my bridesmaids, my best friends and my new sister-in-law were all crammed in our limo van driving from Santa Monica to the mountains of Malibu in rush hour traffic to get to the wedding site. We weren't even halfway there and traffic was at a dead stop. I still had to do my hair and makeup so you can imagine the panic. There was no time to pull over to go to the bathroom. But I had to GO. Bad. Sunny, one of my bridesmaids is in a band--she practically lives in a van. She’s been on the road so she suggested I pee in a Snapple Bottle. Of course that requires tons of skill, the aim of a sharp-shooter cooter, a skill that I just don’t have. Sunny’s perfected the peeing in the Snapple bottle in a moving vehicle, but she’s had lots of practice and it being my first time, I knew it would be a disaster.
Then my lovely sister-in-law pulls out Zoey’s spare diaper and says I can pee in it. I really didn’t know what to think. I was picturing myself trying to fit into the diaper, taping it around me waist, Elmo in the front, but then Susannah began to tell me the logistics of how to pee into a diaper. Apparently she'd done it before while staying at friend's house in San Diego. She told us how she woke up in the morning having to pee really bad but that the bathroom was occupado. Rather than wait, she grabbed one of Zoey's diapers and peed into it there in the spare bedroom. Which left me thinking about all the times she had stayed with us...
See, you don’t actually put the diaper on, you just hold it against yourself and pee into it. And so there in the limo I crouched in the back and peed into a diaper. First one and when that wasn't enough I asked Susannah for another. And so it was that on my wedding day my new sister in law gave me her daughter's last spare diaper and I peed and peed and beside us on the Pacific Coast Highway someone spotted Jay Mohr and Nikki Cox in the Escalade next to us, dead stopped in traffic, and I peed into the Pampers and thanked god for tinted windows as we all tried to see if Nikki Cox's lips were surgically enhanced. (They were). And I did. I peed and became part of the Petunia Face family. The End.

16 comments:

zakary said...

I'm going to work the phrase "sharp-shooter cooter" into conversation this week if it kills me.

Hilarious!

SGM said...

That's pretty much the best story EVER.

Mollie said...

love it

Misplaced Country Girl said...

Well if that doesn't make you giggle nothing will!

melissa said...

Okay. thanks for being so friggin funny. now i just peed my own damn pants.

Black Dog Salvage said...

i have been meaning to comment forever (as a long time lurker) and this one did it for me :)absolutely loved the post!

Claire said...

I might just have to go grab a few spare diapers of my own after that post. Hilarious!

Kamryn said...

Oh M Freakin' G, sharp-shooter cooter is quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever heard. Ever.

Aartee said...

OMG hilarious and kind of ironic considering that today we got to leave work early because there was no water...yep that means no working toilets or means of washing your hands! so fun :)

betsy said...

That was FUNNY! You are all very talented story tellers. Thanks for sharing!

Regardez Moi said...

"the aim of a sharp-shooter cooter"

if that isn't one of the funniest things i have ever heard...

i needed a spare diaper when reading this post... cause i nearly peed my skirt

Patois said...

It wasn't a used diaper, so not the "old." It was Elmo, who's red, so not the "blue." So was it for "new" or "borrowed"?

MJ said...

My genius editor...ehem....Susannah, edited the part out where she told me that the diapers are super absorbent. Apparently super absorbent for baby Zoey but not so absorbent for and adult peeing in a baby's diaper, I had a horrific look on my face when the diaper was getting heavy in my hand and I needed ANOTHER one....QUICK!

I also must give credit to said editor for coining the term "sharp shooter cooter." As I was cuddled up in bed last night, my husband read to me some Petunia Face to fall asleep to and when he said "sharp shooter cooter" I could not stop laughing! That, everyone is Susannah... the weirdest, funniest, most brilliant writer/editor I know! And I love her!

Diapers definitely not borrowed because Zoey never got them back, in fact I used up her last diapers and I believe Bryan had to go on an emergency run for some more. I'll take the "new"...thank you Zoey! Your Auntie Morgie will be forever grateful....and mortified. :)

Judy said...

It takes this Jenkins clan no time at all to put the "dys" into any "function"...sacred wedding vows, Malibu limos and glowing, nervous, forcefully-over-hydrated brides and all!

Here is yet another little-known PF author fact. We've all heard of, known one or been that person who gets off on having sex in likely-to be-caught public places...you know, like hotel elevators, et.al. NOT that I have any personal knowledge of any such goings on...or, for that matter (Andy and Sus, you should skip the next sentence or two due to GeeGee Alert/Parental TMI, Sorry) ANY sex of any kind involving two people in the last decade or so. Them's just the breaks when you happen to be me. But, I digress. The sex thing was just to get your attention and mentioned as an example to segue into another similar quirk...

Susannah is NOT, to my knowledge, into powder room quickies with Bry while hosts and other guests sit nearby finishing their dinner. BUT she IS into urinating in public places where she could easily be caught. It has only been in the last few years that this little naughty personality quirk has caught my attention. I am guesing that it began innocently enough...probably after a day out at a beach, reaching the car in the near-empty parking area, no restroom in sight, desperately needing to pee before the trip back home..."Bry, I can't hold it, will you keep watch while I just pee over here in front of the car?" Pretty soon, she's christened many a parking lot....AND, she's starting to like it more and more-the bliss of distended bladder release combined with the thrill of a near miss encounter with a family looking for their misplaced minivan. I, myself can attest to her use of SFO Long-term Parking Lot, her cheeks flushed with the excitement of the near-miss with the Terminal Shuttle Van filled with travelers.

So, there you are. You'll all understand why I am not that shocked by my Sweet Sus', not so incidental,not so innocent suggestion to my newest Daughter, Morgan, that she use a fresh, "spare" (I think maybe NOT) Zoey diaper for her emergency pre-nuptial limo pee. I would not be one tiny bit surprised to read, what I'm pretty sure is, a long and "creative" list of Susannah's "un-designated" verbotim voiding venues.

Morgan, great and funny post...and welcome to the Fam.

You've already been hit square by the Jenkins' medic alert, Do-not-pass-Go, proceed-directly-to-the-nearest- terminal-disease gene...

AND been initiated into the Thrill-of-Near-Public-Peeing-Almost-Nailed sister-in law's secret habit!And I bet you just thought she was resourceful, right?

So little time and so many weird family traditions to pass on...
Love You,
Mom...and I couldn't help it, Susannah....really sorry to out you, you adorable Blam-a-Ram.

(O.K., she gets it legit from ME... a long time ago, when I was so full I was going to explode and no bathroom free, I too discovered the absolute thrill/fear of peeing in a plastic cup and realizing that, no way was I going to be able to stop, cup at maximum capacity and no second vessel in reach. It's a game I've repeated many times over the years and it never fails to get my pulse racing. NOT as good as sex, but not too bad either. Sometimes, we take it where and when we can!)
Ma

Jessie said...

I was SO hoping that the story ended with you wearing diapers under your wedding dress!

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!