In the 1500's Danish astronomer Tycho Brahe said that "by looking up we see downward." There, those, that cluster of stars. That is Pleiades. Sailors used constellations as a position fixing technique to cross featureless oceans without having to rely on dead reckoning to strike land. What is the value of x? I only wish now that I had paid more attention.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Growing up I was allowed to get C's. D's even were okay, although I never did get a D. Did you try your hardest? my parents would ask. And so long as the answer was yes it was okay. Just getting by, not getting by, strike three, a thin obligatory smattering of applause, I knew they loved me no matter what, just as long as I tried. And I did. Mostly. Sometimes. When I felt like it. Which was never or right after I watched "Kate and Allie," I swear, I promise, I'm tired, oops, oh well! The problem with being loved no matter what is that in your security you allow yourself to slip. What are the ramifications just as long as you convince yourself and others around you that you tried? What does trying your hardest even feel like anyway? A boulder, stuck jagged deep in your throat? All I ever wanted to eat were Pop Tarts pink and sweet. I tried my hardest to believe that I was forever pushing that rock up a hill, that is all. You still love me, right? I was in the gifted program in school. Which meant we got to meet on the blacktop at night to crane our thin necks searching for the constellations of Cassiopeia and Orion's Belt. During the day we took calligraphy classes. To this day my handwriting is pretty and I can point out the Seven Sisters in the black night sky but fuck me if anyone asks the value of x in any equation. I did not live up to my potential. What does anyone need algebra for anyway? So here I am, 36 and skating, the taste of frosting still light on my lips. Last night I watched "Stylista." But I find myself wishing that somebody had called me out before for leaning against my rock to cop a squat on the steep incline. I wish a teacher had used a red pen, given me an F because now I am failing. There is no more A for effort, no star stickers or smiley faces. Nobody gives a shit that I am trying, no really, I am trying. My hardest. I think. But trying doesn't matter anymore and I am stuck with this boulder in my throat and I cannot seem to swallow.
Posted by Petunia Face at 10:54 AM