Thursday, August 14, 2008

Ramblings from a mad guest blogger

Tap tap...

Is this thing on?

*ahem*

Oh hai! It's me, J. I'll be your blog sitter for today. Like Rosalie down there, I had a stressful time figuring out what to write. (Shut it Anon, if you even give me any lip I swear, I'll call my hoodoo voodoo people and F some S up. Feel me?) (If you have no idea what I'm talking about, read the comments section from yesterday.)

So, who am I and what am I doing here? Well, I'm a blogger, I guess (Am I? I have no idea. I have a blog, how 'bout that?) and Susannah invited me to entertain you for the day. My own blog is a hodgepodge, really. A mushy mishmash of me ranting and raving about my "feelings", things that piss me off, all while coveting some hot ass shoes I can't afford. I really have no idea what I'm talking about half the time. (There, did I pimp myself out enough with those cleverly embedded links?) (Also, do you love my love for parenthetical expressions?)

Soooo, annnnyway, I didn't know what to write for my bloggysitter post. Then the following thing happened at work yesterday and my fountain of hate started spewing forth green frothy words. They bubbled up, erupting in a fantastic display of goo and ooze. So I'm setting up a fan, turning that sucker on high, and letting the words splatter here, all over Susannah's blog, for your reading enjoyment. Here goes... (boy I hope I didn't oversell this story with such a grand set up. Now you're all going to be disappointed. Sigh.)

Yesterday afternoon, while eating my lunch at my desk, I noticed something. Something that was on the floor, near my toes. Something that appeared to be, upon further inspection, a mouse. A dead mouse. A rotting, substantially decayed dead mouse. I looked a little closer. Yes. That's exactly what it was.


So I did what any strong, independent, low maintenance woman would do. I IM'd my friend/coworker Matt and told him to ahhgetthefuckuphereimmediatelyandgetridofitewwgross! Actually, the conversation went more like this:

J: um Matt?
matt: what?
J: i think there is a rotting mouse carcass under my desk
matt: oh gross
J: in fact, i'm sure of it
J: um
J: ;alksjd;laksjdf;laksjdf;lkasjdf
J: i can't deal
J: what do i do
J: i can't touch it
J: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
matt: facilities? that seems like something they'd fix, right?
J: nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, they'll take forever!!!!!!!!
J: now now now now
J: GET IT OUT OF HERE
J: RIGHT NOW
J: it's been there for a while i can tell
J: there is some serious decayage going on
J: I CAN'T STOP STARING AT IT
J: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
J: GROSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
matt: gross
J: ah;lsjf;alskfj;alskjf;lasjdf;laksjdf;laskjf;lasjdf
J: HELP ME!
matt: ugh
matt: i hate you

Then Matt put down his homemade chicken lunch meat and cheese sandwich (who the eff eats chicken lunch meat btw? Gross. Sorry, Matt.) and came up to rescue me. He kindly removed the offending carcass and disposed of it (not in my trashcan as I adamantly instructed.)

Fast forward a few hours...

I remember the incident (I had blocked it out temporarily so as not to barf my spinach and rice lunch concoction all over my office) and, being the generous person I am, decide to let an officemate of mine know.

[Piece of background information that will make the story better #1: I moved into my current office not too long ago. There is a 'wall' which is more of a partition that separates my office from a cubicle area where we store bins with files and such. Rotting Mickey was lying under the partition, between my office and the cubicle outside. My officemate often accesses the bins and files located in close proximity to where the mouse kicked it.

[
Piece of background information that will make the story better#2: Said officemate has issues. 'Nuff said.]

Still with me? Good... recap: so, I decided to let my officemate know about the filthy dead vermin 'cause I'm all generous and shit.

Me: Hey, Officemate. Just a heads up - there was a rotting mouse lying on my floor, I think it came from underneath. Must've been there a little while, too, cause it didn't even smell. So if you are going through bins and stuff, be careful.

Officemate: Oh, that must have been the one from a year ago.

Me: Huh?

Officemate: There was a dead mouse under there a year ago. I guess no one cleaned it up.

Then my head exploded and I died.

The End.

22 comments:

v8_grrl said...

yes....now that's what I'm talking about...
gotta love the office mates

good babysitty blog
:)
xo
v8

Jozette said...

v8! thank you! gotta love 'em indeed.

I *Heart* You said...

super funny j!! i would DIE upon finding a dead mouse in that close proximity to my foot...while eating.

ew!!!!!

great job, girl.

Mint Julep said...

Jozette, girl, you are just entertaining all over the damn www. When I go on vacation I want you to come entertain my friends. They're easy, just talk about booze.

jen said...

Well look at you, Jozette! Guest blogging and whatnot.

Have I ever told you you're my he-ro...???

bakingwithplath said...

Everything you write is golden!

The Lil Bee said...

NO! NO!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG. OMFG.

First of all, I would expect nothing less from you than to have a fab post, since I heart your blog immensely.

This prose?:

"...my fountain of hate started spewing forth green frothy words. They bubbled up, erupting in a fantastic display of goo and ooze. So I'm setting up a fan, turning that sucker on high, and letting the words splatter here, all over Susannah's blog..."

Amazing.

That mouse? I just... I can't even. I can't.

Kate said...

I think I liked the end the best. I have always worked with bizarre people - people that you actively try NOT to think about having a personal life - since it would just bring forth too many unwelcome images.

Jozette said...

AHH! I love you all!!

I *Heart* You: it was disgusting. i really almost hurled. and thank you!!

Mint Julep: anytime! booze is like, my favorite subject. and often my dinner.

Jen: ...you're everything i would like to beeeeee.....I can fly higher than an eeeeeagllllleee. ok, i'll stop.

bakingwithplath: ditto homegirl. ditto.

The Lil Bee: ah! thank you!!! you rule.

Kate: I am so with you on that. I don't even want to know what goes on in the homes of some of the people I work with. I'd prefer to think they go back and plug themselves into a pod somewhere.

Rosalie said...

Excellent story. Well done. See, this is what I mean by blogging. It's anything you want it to be. Penis's on napkins, dead mice, shoes we can't afford, houses we envy, rants on reality shows, heart warming baby stories. It's little snippets of life.

Megan said...

Fab. Vermin need to be taken care of stat, there is something seriously wrong with your coworker. I'd like to know more.

JackeeG4glamorous said...

Joz,
Can I say that I am now sporting an "I Love Matt", t-shirt?

Jessie said...

Noice job, Jozettey!

Why do you work with such freaks?!

I was afraid that somehow, the mouse story was going to circle back and tie into the creepy dude that always "swings by" your office.

I don't know if I am relieved or not, but I DO know that I am thoroughly grossed out.

Kamryn said...

That was totally the best ending to any blog I've ever read. Period. (OK. Maybe not PERIOD, but definitely an elipsis, or perhaps a semicolon. After all, Susanna is pretty damn talented.)

Richie Designs said...

omg you're my new favorite.

I think you might be my brothah' from another motha'
or how that saying goes.

"A mushy mishmash of me ranting and raving about my "feelings", things that piss me off, all while coveting some hot ass shoes I can't afford."

t-o-t-a-l-l-y me.

awesome story too.

Weith Kick said...

A year old dead mouse? Truly disturbing. Maybe it was left that as some piece of art work or something.

But seriously, the grossest part of the story is that Matt eats "chicken lunch meat."

Kimberlee said...

excuse me Jozette - "You had me at tap tap..... i this thing on *ahem*" god you are good at this blogging caper, hilarious x

Ann said...

What a cool post. Enjoyed it...immensely. Nice use of words, puts a smile on my face. My first time here...and I didn't regret it.
Thanks:)

SGM said...

I'm sorry your head exploded, jz! Mine would have too. A year ago? WTF?!?!?

The funniest thing I have read in a long time: "f some s up." Aw yeah!

Through the Looking Glass said...

You. Are. Funny. Heavens, think about all the little mouselets this mother mouse left... rotting away in some dank corner of the office... their tiny, centimeters long bodies rigid... patches of hair in plumes on the floor around them...

How's your head? Again. Too funny, you are.

Oh brother! said...

Ok, that was just damn funny!

Damn.

Funny.

-andrews (the brother of Petunia Face.. I think. Uh, now that I've written what was SUPPOSED to be a quickie witty, I've realized, I don't know if Petunia Face is my little Z-girl or if Petunia Face is now officially my sister's not-so-alter ego... I'm confused... more than usual. Ok, so there's that now. Hmmm...)


P.S. Sorry. Your Post was funny.

Damn.

Funny.

Jozette said...

OMG I love you all. And I wasn't sure about answering your comments since this isn't my blog, so I'll just say - YAY, I'm glad you liked my story but I'm not glad to have suffered through the rotting mouse incident. And Matt will no longer be eating any chicken lunch meat sandwiches after I publicly shamed him. :)

Susannah? Are you back yet? I miss you!