Wednesday, July 30, 2008

You Want Some of This? Yeah, I Didn't Think So.

I have PMS today. Right there. I bet you anything that right there is why bloggers aren't being taken seriously, women bloggers in particular. I mean, why the fuck should anyone care that I have PMS, right?


Well stop right there because YOU SHOULD CARE. And if you don't I will stab you with this shiv I have fashioned out of a tampon and make you listen to the Mamma Mia soundtrack on repeat until you scream bloody mercy, holy mother of god and all that is musical. Stop! You will beg, Fine! I will rub your feet and feed you Honey Smacks and sit on the floor so you can have the whole couch to yourself! And did I mention how fetching you look in that stained chenille bathrobe? When belted it does wonders for your waist.


Yup, I'm pretty damn sure that's what the blogisphere will say when they hear that I have PMS. Because they care. Because you care. Because this is my blog and if I thought for one second that nobody cared that I am on the verge of shedding my uterine lining then I would weep big racking sobs of despair, or worse, silent snively pathetic whimpers of solitude. Or snap at someone à la Jeff Gillooly in love. And then I would eat some string cheese because, you know, I have PMS.

And then? After I had eaten the contents of the fridge, picked at my pores in a magnifying mirror, tweezed my eyebrows and read Us Weekly? Then I would check out this website-- Detouching 10: Removing the Retouching from Airbrushed Celebs. The perfect cure for the common PMS.
If ever this blog was in doubt of being chickcentric, this post settled the question.
Off to eat the heads off of some chocolate-covered crickets. Enjoy!

16 comments:

I *Heart* You said...

i could never be a dermatologist. i am going to go barf now.

pms is the worst. i hate being asked if i am on my period because i am in a bad mood but the first time i lash out and hate myself for it i get all apologetic and admit immediately that i am on my period. it's not a perfect wold.

Joanna Goddard said...

omg, that is terrifying!! :) xo

Joanna Goddard said...

ps. totally agree about pms. so annoying. it's always men who ask.

Joanna Goddard said...

ps. totally agree about pms. so annoying. it's always men who ask.

Misplaced Country Girl said...

Eeeks!

Petrone said...

Chocolate. Stat. ALSO- consider investing in a punching bag. It does wonders.

Jules said...

typical guy comment..."Is this you talking or hormones?" Uh, do you want to die today or tomorrow?

Judy said...

I feel as if I should sort of pat my knee in invitation for all you yougsters to gather round, climb on up into my aproned lap, lean into my sagging breasts and just let me gently rock you while I spill pearls of wisdom and comfort. But, what the Fuck, it's just me jumping in to comment on something I haven't experienced in many a moon-cycle. Some would say that I was permenently ensnared by Menopause yea those 14 or 15 years ago...but I would beg to differ. It was ONLY my internal thermostat that got stuck on high. Contrary to what you might have heard, Menopause was as easy as falling out of bed. Now PMS....am I glad to have long ago seen the tail end of THAT! The bloating was the worst for me. Now as to the mental/emotional component the hair-trigger, flashpoint (and I'm going to use the words I think best describe what others, especially men, would call "temper", "crankiness","paranoia", "bitchiness" et. al.) episodes of ASSERTIVENESS, RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION, HONESTY...you all know what I'm talking about, right? I often wondered back when and even now, during PMS are we "crazy" for a few days or are we REALLY more ourselves than any other time? Are we the unvarnished, unedited, unfeminine, unglazed with our patina of sweetness SELVES? Just a thought. I believe that during PMS. I was the most honest, if not most attractive, version of myself emotionally. I could be wrong...just a thought.

JackeeG4glamorous said...

You brought to my horror of a day some great laughter you sick sick, girl near to my heart.

Have a pound of M&M's and a facial and stick pins into the eyes of a voodoo doll of Angelina Joli. Stress release. Sigh.

Annie Empiric said...

"on the verge of shedding my uterine lining"... you KILL me and make me grateful for having just finished my cycle.

Jessie said...

The worst is when you feel absolutely ravenous, totally puffy, and like a big fat crankpot, and you think, "Hmph. I must have PMS."

And then you realize that you already had PMS two weeks ago, and that maybe I am just a generally ravenous, puffy, cranky person.

Anonymous said...

you are really wierd

Judy said...

Hey, Anonymous, calling my daughter "wierd" had BETTER have been a compliment! In our family, "wierd" IS a desirable and positive adjective but I have a feeling that you would neither know that, nor understand it. If it WAS a compliment, then....Nevermind....if it wasn't, then, I say to you....Until you have the guts to sign your comments, you're a gutless bully. I suspect that you don't have a blog, that you don't put yourself out there for others to judge, enjoy, learn, share or just be entertained on an almost daily basis.
And, as far as I'm concerned, until you
a)Have the Balls to sign your posts and,
b) Prove that you have the courage, dedication and talent to do what my Daughter and so many of her talented blogger friends do, you have NO right to critique anyone.

Only people who know, love and appreciate my Daughter and her incredibly talented and fearless writing, get to call her wierd.

And, at the risk of sinking to your level (can't, because I DO sign my comments), you SUCK! Nobody asked or forced you to visit or read her blog so just go away pester someone else.

P.S. Sus can well defend herself and she most certainly didn't ask me to butt in and probably will be a bit embarrased that I did, but when you mess with my family, you are most definitely messing with me...and I am not nearly as wonderfully Zen as her Dad.

Jules said...

I had to do a double take when I read the comment from "Jules." I'm used to being the only one on all my favorite blogs!

Jules said...

Oh, and Anon? Keep your opinions to yourself. I couldn't care less what random people without names think of my friends.

Richie Designs said...

weird is way more interesting. I would bet Anon...is busy feeding her cats and wondering why there's no fun happening.



fab photos too!