Tuesday, August 26, 2008

A Nothing That (S)He Knew Too Well

I tried very hard not to post today. Because I have nothing to say. Really. I drove to work thinking hm, self, maybe something interesting will happen on the way in that I can write about, but nope. Nothing. Then I sat at my desk and waiting some more for something to happen. And guess what? Soon it was noon and nothing had happened. Then I got hungry and went out to lunch when usually I just sit at my desk and eat some chips from the vending machine, but no, today I went out, hoping that something might happen that I could post for you. I bought dos tostada verduras with corn y zucchini and still--nothing happened. I even addressed the cashier by name thinking that might spark something. Gracias Jerry, I said eyeing his nametag, only I pronounced it Hairy on account of it being a Mexican restaurant and all, but nada. He didn't even correct me. Incidentally, you owe me $13.50 for the tostadas. Less the .85 cents I usually spend on the chips so I suppose that makes it $12.65 but if you factor in gas money it's probably more like $43 so I'm giving you a deal when I say it was $13.50. I'm good like that.
It is now 2:57pm and still nothing has happened. Most people would see this as a sign not to post but me? I'm afraid of not posting. I know myself. In my lifetime I have joined at least a dozen gyms and worked out maybe 4 times. Because the minute I tell myself self, just do it tomorrow, it's okay, then tomorrow becomes the next day and at the end of the year I have shelled out $1500 for a gym I've never gone to. I know myself and tomorrow is the gateway drug to never.
So here you go. A post about nothing without the benefit of a Clean, Well-Lighted Place. Am I going to lose readers with posts such as this? Maybe. But I'm telling you, I know myself (which is why I call myself self when I talk to myself) and it's either this or a year from now while I'm cleaning out my closet I find a never-before-worn pair of Reeboks and suddenly remember that once upon a time I had a blog called Petunia Face and you, that once upon a time I gave us this nada our daily nada and nada us our nada as we nada our nadas and nada us not into nada but deliver us from nada; pues nada, Amen Senor Hemingway.
Now on the off-chance this is not enough for you, like maybe you want your money back even though this blog is free, then I leave you with this:

Because as we all know (and because bumpers stickers are never ever wrong) even though nothing happened and I have nada to post, shit is a sure thing, sure as shit, and shit? Well shit always happens.


scarletvirago said...

"tomorrow is the gateway drug to never."

I'm totally taking that line (but I will credit your blog because even though I don't really believe in karma, I don't exactly disbelieve, either).

Visual Vamp said...

Oh Susanna you crack me up! Or maybe our blogs are like crack!
I was going to comment on your pussy earlier, but I had to take my doggie to the vet.
I haven't had time to read you lately, so I caught up today with some of your fab guest girls, the bit about your trip (great photos of Zoe), etc. All this kept me amused for a long time.
My poor little guy has infected anal glands! So appropriate is this posting! Apparently the anal glands must be expressed from time to time! Expressed - yes that's the word the gentleman vet used.
Anyhoo, a couple of hundred dollars later, the boy is feeling a little better.
He has to wear his Elizabethan collar too, so he doesn't lick himself back into another infection.
However he likes it, because he's a New Orleans dog, and he's used to wearing silly hats for Mardi Gras when we march in The Krewe of Barkus Parade. He thinks his lampshade (thsat's what we call it here at decor central) is the bomb - whooo hoo another silly hat, now throw me something mister!
BTW welcome back...

Misplaced Country Girl said...

I think I need to go to rehab for that exact same gateway drug. Is there a 12 step program for this kind of thing?

Jozette said...

i even love your nada post posts. sure as shit.

Gin said...

"I know myself and tomorrow is the gateway drug to never."
Best. Line. Evar.

gloucestermary said...

Speaking of bumper stickers...this one surely gets you thinking...

"What if the hokey pokey IS what it's all about?"

Judy said...

And here's how I KNOW I'm in Big Trouble, 'er Shit today
1) I loved your post about Nada de Nada-but then I'm your Mom so that barely counts 'cause that's just how I roll with my Youngins.

2) Not only do I know very well about that devil gateway drug to walk-in-closet-Hell. et.al. but I'm pretty sure I contributed the dominant procrastination to it-never-existed-in-the first-place gene.

3) It wasn't bad enough that I HAD to attempt to read the Healthy Feces Test word for word, but I couldn't fucking SEE well enough to read it...and am so techno-challenged that I couldn't enlarge it.

4) Using only the Happy Turd vs. Sad Turd faces, I'm almost certain that I miserably failed the Feces Exam.

5) My after-hours life being a vast wasteland lately, I am responding to a post about Nothing and I'm quitting at an embarassing list of FIVE reasons...and there are more.

So, here's hoping this Zero-Zip-Zilch of an empty Nada packed Day is just a celestial anomaly-probably caused by the hole in the ozone layer....and tomorrow will just be as VITAL as Shit for all of us!
Your, apparently, fecally-challenged, Ms. Magoo, Slacker, Dull-witted Mom.

Robin said...

No comment.

ha! Actually for a post that's a non-post that was pretty good. I love your sense of humor.

Rosalie said...

Oh my, even your posts about nothing are interesting. Where do you go from there? I hear you though. Remember my bloody boob? I actually was GLAD at one point I had a bloody boob because it meant something to write about.....blogs are weird that way.

Oh Brother! said...


"Nothing" was happening to you because I took all your "somethings" as my bride and I trip the Olive oil fantastic here in Greece on our Honeymoon!

Hello parents! Hi, sister! Hello little Ms. Z!

I love you all and miss you kind of.

I just thought to myself; self, I need a dose of PT from the other side of the globe (even while I'm off climbing volcanos, jumping into the Aegean sea, eating glorious Greek food (you were damn right on that one, Susannah and Bryan!)

So, here is an exotic Grecian post from half-way around the world, a Petunia Face post-card.

I took all your "nothing" and am doing SOME THINGS. Sorry, but thanks!

Love you all, back soon enough.

Your bro.

P.S. I too LOVE love LOVE, "Tomorrow is the gateway drug to never." Damn nice coinage there.

Funny thing is, your tomorrow is my today, so I guess that's how I stole your "something."

Always Home and Uncool said...

As they sang on Scrubs, everything comes down to poo.

JackeeG4glamorous said...

Thanks for the shit full of info!

Robin said...

tomorrow is the gateway drug to never

That is so perfect and true for me too! But not to worry - no chance you will lose readers. Happy uneventful day.


d.Sharp said...

the poop poster!!
want to print it out for my nine year old..