Monday, June 16, 2008

Weekend Update, Now With Less Hair!

Not actual mysterious chicken sandwich.

Our Father's Day weekend started off with a mysterious chicken sandwich. When I got home on Friday afternoon Bryan was sitting at his computer polishing off the last bite. Where was that chicken sandwich from? he asked. It was delicious! And he gave me a shit-eating grin, most likely thinking he was in trouble for eating my chicken sandwich. I thought that sandwich was yours, I said. Because I hadn't put a leftover chicken sandwich in the fridge, would never even order a chicken sandwich in the first place. I'm more of a BLT or veggie kind of girl. You're lying, Bryan said, come on, that sandwich was yours, right? And it went around and around like that until we both trusted that it wasn't the other person's sandwich. At which point I was forced to make embarrassing phone calls to family and friends that went something like this: hi, I know it's Friday night and you're on vacation/asleep/out to dinner/at a movie, but did you by any chance leave a mysterious chicken sandwich in our fridge last time you were here? It was grilled? And chicken? A grilled chicken sandwich, apparently quite good? Because Bryan just ate said sandwich and we've exhausted all possibilities of where it came from. Either you left it here or someone broke into our house and put it in the fridge while ransacking our panty drawers, got spooked and then ran out without his chicken sandwich. Please give a call back to let us know, thanks. Four hours later my mom finally called back to claim the sandwich. Said she had left it in our fridge over two weeks ago when raiding our panty drawers. Okay, she never really went through our underwear (that I know of) but she did put it in our fridge because it had been sitting in her purse for a few hours and she didn't trust it, the chicken and the mayonnaise, TWO WEEKS AGO. So needless to say the weekend was off with Suspicious Meat Watch 2008, me staring at Bryan for any pallor in complexion, any sudden excess drooling or projectile vomiting that seemed out of the ordinary.
While we were waiting for the other chicken to drop, I was folding laundry in our bedroom (Hot parenting weekend! Laundry and waiting to see if anyone pukes!) when all of a sudden I heard Bryan yell, Hey, I never looked like Lorenzo Lamas! And I ran into the office where he was on the computer reading about his Father's Day present two days early, this from a guy who never reads my blog. And let's just say he was not pleased. I think it had less to do with the ponytail and more to do with the leather vest, so I feel compelled to amend my assertion that Bryan looks like Lorenzo Lamas circa 1995 to current day 'Renzo:
Of course I am kidding--Bryan does not look anything like Lorenzo Lamas, with long hair or short. I don't want to be a divorcée, after all. This is Bryan, you decide who he looks like:
Because if Bryan did look like Lorenzo Lamas that would make me Shauna Sand, and I just don't do lucite platform heels on principle. Or brown lip liner. Cheetah print. And the circumference of my waist is not smaller than that of my own head.

So what about the ponytail? I hear what you're thinking. Why am I prattling on and on about suspicious chicken and soap stars? Because even though the ponytail was not well received, we had the most perfectly normal Father's Day outside of a Hallmark card. Bryan bought himself a new bicycle. Zoey made him a colorform card complete with a rocket that says "Dad, you're out of this world." On Sunday we took the ferry to Angel Island and hiked around in the sunshine, stopping only to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. PB&J's, people! On an island named after ANGELS! Life does not get any more pleasant than this. We took photos with Bryan's phone and he promised me he would email them to me this morning once he got to work but it is now 2:30 and no photos to post. Only Lorenzo Lamas. Apparently I don't write pleasant very well and I am left with just this.

To his credit Bryan has a tough work day ahead. He is an architect working on some new CSI like building. Today he has to go down to the San Francisco morgue at Hunter's Point/Bayview, the toughest neighborhood in the entire city. He has to review what needs to be implemented in such a building, slabs with drainage for bodily fluids, refrigeration systems to keep the bodies cold, an efficient system of storing the bone saws and forceps. Just like in Dexter! I said, because I'm sick and like that kind of shit. He looked fine all weekend, but finally, this Monday morning I think I finally saw Bryan getting a little green around the gills. Suspicious Meat Watch 2008 may not be over yet.

But hey. At least I never said he looked like Kevin Sorbo.

19 comments:

megan said...

Kevin Sorbo should never anger an esthetician.

Ana said...

O.k, I thought I liked you before and everything, but the fact that you watch Dexter might bring our friendship to a whole new level.
Hope Bryan doesn't puke. Men are babies when it comes to food poisoning....

Sarah said...

OMG this post has me laughing and laughing and laughing

Erin said...

That voicemail about the mystery sandwich was one of the funnier voicemails I've received in a very long time. Very glad you found the owner of said sandwich, and that Bryan hasn't puked yet.

Mrs. Blandings said...

Just wondering if this is what you envisioned when you were sitting on that beach topless. (Which I never had the nerve to do even when I shoulda.)

Fifi Flowers said...

HILARIOUS! You gave me a good laugh! My son was looking over my shoulder when he heard me laugh and said, "who's that?" about Sorbo... lol... he's 10. He did enjoy your baby chick sandwich... good ad for Chick-fil-A.

Jules said...

Any day without puking is a fine day, indeed!

karey m. said...

do you know how long i had to sit here and look at that chicken sandie?

made the mistake of reading you while esme was next to me.

pain. ful.

{and shauna sand? have you ever seen pics with her daughters? they're as big as she is, nearly. and she's totally trying to juicy them up...painful.}

Kathi D said...

Your mother didn't trust the sandwich so she PUT IT IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR?

Do you have a lot of life insurance?

Jessie said...

Past-its-date food is honestly one of my greatest fears. I have been accused of marking my calendar to remember the expiration dates of various meats/cheeses.

Mystery chicken sandwich sounds like a total nightmare, but I'm glad Bryan is ok.

Oh, and we all know how I feel about clear heels...

That Girl Designs said...

You are too funny! I sure am enjoying your blog. Poor husbands, they don't ask to be on our blogs, they just end up there.

I *Heart* You said...

god i love your blog. i think bryan *kind of* looks like oscar winning director stephan gaghan. thoughts?

http://cache.viewimages.com/xc/2264609.jpg?v=1&c=ViewImages&k=2&d=17A4AD9FDB9CF1934A2752006EF5F0ED42AB5C134AB3B92E5A5397277B4DC33E

Petunia Face said...

Yeah, I see the Stephan Gaghan similarity. Other people Bryan resembles: Fred Flintstone, Anthony Keidis, Javier Bardem, the Paul Frank monkey.

fashiongirl said...

Maybe it's just the photo angle, but I'm getting Sylar from Heroes. Sorry Bryan! I guess it's better than the Paul Frank monkey...

Erin said...

I can totally see the Stephen Gaghan similarity! And that's a good lookalike to claim, because he makes great movies and his wife is beautiful and stylish, unlike Lorenzo's lady.

JackeeG4glamorous said...

OMG, I loved DEXTER! in a totally sick and twisted way, because I really couldn't fathom ever watching a show based entirely on a neat and swell serial killer. Still, I miss it.

Your husband in that picture kinda resembles a smoldering Ben Affleck.

Lara@Paper Doll said...

Anthony Keidis. 100%.

Jill said...

My husband would eat shit on a shingle if it was left in the refrigerator... left overs are his favorite. Mold an issue? No worries - you can just scrape it off and eat around it. Just kidding... sorta.

Glad to hear your hubby didn't get sick...

Still trying to figure out who he looks like. The name is on the tip of my tongue.

shelley said...

I immediately see Sylar from Heroes, absolutely. Your blog makes me smile, always.