Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The Many Faces of Me (And You)

Last week I had a second interview at Behind Curtain #2 Place of Employment. I bought a new shirt at Anthropologie and presented a project they had given me to work on after the first interview. The new shirt has nothing to do with this story other than it made me feel a little more confident to know that I was not interviewing while wearing a shirt swathed in Nacho hair, the seams forever encrusted with the sticky grit of purple moon sand. I thought the interview went well. Other than the fact that it lasted a total of 5 hours and halfway through they brought me a sandwich, then left me alone in a conference room to eat it. The sandwich had onions on it, the room was windowless and small. For the rest of the afternoon I worried that whoever came in next would think I had bad b.o., that I would then be referred to as the stinky candidate, albeit the one with the nice shirt.
When I finally left the interview the HR woman asked me when I would be available to start. We discussed salary. She said she would call me this week and I left feeling confident enough not to return the new shirt to Anthropologie as I had planned to do. Well, I just got an email from Behind Curtain #2 Place of Employment and they want me to do yet another project and come in again next week to present it to their CMO and SVP and WTF? It's not as if I am interviewing to be a pediatric neuro-surgeon! This is product development, for chrissakes!
In anticipation of gainful employment I have been brushing up on ways to waste time at work. I found this great website that allows you to download a photo of yourself and transform it to see what you'd look like as a caveman, as an Asian, as the opposite sex, etc. When it's utilized to waste time at home on a sunny day it's flat out pathetic. But that didn't stop me from playing with it and passing it along to you so that you may waste time at work. You know, for me. Do it for me.
Here's my original pic of myself. You have to find a photo relatively close up. And I found that the serious mugs worked better. Smiles had a way of distorting the entire image.

Here I am as an African-American Caribbean woman. Not quite sure what that means. Seems like they just gave me Lindsey Lohan's bad tan, widened my nose and enlarged my lips; perhaps the computer generating these images is a wee bit racist? Although I do like the fuller mouth.

And me as a baby. Looks nothing like real baby pictures of me in which I have a scab on my nose from rooting around my crib searching for milk. This was, of course, before the "Back to Sleep" campaign. In my day we were just all left face down, survival of the fittest, rubbing our faces into mattresses treated with flame retardant carcinogens, waiting for the day when we would be old enough to ride our bikes without helmuts and eat Pop Rocks with Coke. Ah, but I digress...

And my personal fave: me as a man. I think I look like a New Wave musician from the 80's, an effeminate Brit who plays the synthesizer, maybe, a man wearing a double breasted blazer and a shirt with a lace collar and a brooch. Hot.

So go ahead. Give it a try. Me, I've got another "project" to work on in which apparently by developing decorative shelving with an 80% mark up I cure colon cancer, dandruff and the epidemic of meth addiction that plagues our nation's youth.

12 comments:

SGM said...

I laughed all the way through this post! I'm not even at work, so I will pathetically be going to that sight to see what I look like as a man.

My theory on Door #2: Instead of hiring someone, that company just interviews lots of people every day, gives them "test projects" and gets the work done for free. It's a scam, Susannah!

megan said...

When you were a man you should have washed your face more, and perhaps taken some SSRI's. You looked stalkerish.

Misplaced Country Girl said...

I may have nightmares of that baby picture. Scary

I had the same thought that "sgm" had. I bet they never have to actaully pay anyone to get their work done. They just bring people in, give them an onion sandwich and send them off with projects.

karey m. said...

not a fan of how door #2 is treating you...do they not know who you are?! i don't know what that means, but i always say it in my head.

i think the african american caribou version of you lives in the apartment downstairs.

wait. caribbean?

Brie said...

Ha! Love this, you are totally early 80's John Taylor from Duran Duran. The carribean pic looks just like Kelly Kapoor from the office!

projectecoart said...

I need to keep Kleenex on my desk now because your posts. Everytime I read them I laugh so hard I have tears rolling down my face...which means I have to reapply my makeup so I guess I'll be buying more of that too! Looks like reading this blog is starting to get costly - but worth it :)

I *Heart* You said...

too damn funny. i love new ways to waste time at work!! thanks!

amber said...

I'm going to have to waste some time myself on this very site! love your post, I really was laughing out loud at my desk - you as a man, classic, really classic.

Jessie said...

This made my whole day... I am so frightened by these pictures, but I can't wait to try it myself!

Judy said...

Wow, do you see how much you look like your Bro' in the manly version? I've never seen that before!

JackeeG4glamorous said...

Yeah, I can't wait to try this site too. I might never get out of the house this weekend!
Test projects eh? This company worth it?

v8_grrl said...

oOh my God, I think I dated you when you were a man in the 80's...I swear.


hahaha
v8grrl